leaflens

hope

2012-01-26T01:25:00.004+08:00

Like that song said,

Don't wish, don't start
Wishing only wounds the heart

That's why I don't wish. I hope.

Hope, and keep busy.

Mantra for life.

Bahala na si Batman, as we say here in the Philippines.

Life is short. Engage.

And always be nice. Because no one mourns the wicked.

Indeed.

(playing with tabs / January 2012 photo by superfriend M)

calm

2012-01-14T19:13:00.011+08:00

It's a Saturday night as I write this, and it's also the calm before the storm...

Nothing serious, just taking it easy right now. I have this feeling that life will become hectic once Monday comes. No, I take that back. I know for a fact that it will be hectic, and who knows what follows soon after.

It's from all points in my life, I guess. My family's going to be busy once my tita, who spent a great deal of time last year in Canada with my lolo before he died, is coming home, and my other tita and tito are coming home with them. Stories galore. We'll be spending a lot of time together here since I reneged on my promise to spend last Christmas in Toronto with them, simply because I wasn't able to afford it back then (and because I don't think I could survive winter!). This should be fun. I'm actually excited to hang out with them again. I miss this side of the family. And for that, I'm planning to spend my birthday in Canada with them, but that also remains to be seen, as I don't know what life has in store for me during summer. So we'll see. Hoping, and keeping mental notes about things.

Another Canadian presence is here, my high school best friend from Calgary, who told me this funny story of not being able to get her present to me, a Canadian specialty, past through customs haha! Oh man, that was such a bummer. But I'm just glad she's here, and we could hang out again. Awaiting for another hangout session soon before she leaves later this month. We had a blast with our batchmates in our reunion last week, and we're replicating that fun again soon. This is cool.

goofing around with my high school classmates
(January 2012 somewhere in Marikina, photo by Neri)

I'm also in the middle of preparing for a work gig next week for my former NGO. While it's currently inducing a bit of stress on my part, I also can't wait to start it. I need to get busy again, that's why. Plus of course the extra money won't hurt. Funding future life plans is the main thing now. So yes, universe, keep 'em coming.

And then I'm also seriously contemplating on starting another project which another kindred spirit brought up, since one pending project we were going to do got shelved. Again another stress inducer at the moment. Oh well, such is life. I just hope we ace this one as well, because I am intrigued and excited by the prospect that this project would bring, even if it won't earn me as much as I hope I could get. The work is enough. Yes, I need to be busy. And then we also spent a good deal of time yesterday talking about her current pet project outside Manila, since she's moving back there already. Yeah, another good friend leaving Manila. I've been having lots of those lately, but at least, she's just within reach in the country. We're both excited about her pet project and I will definitely be helping out on that one.

getting busy with work, as exemplified by the state of my office (December 2011 in UP)

But I am also neglecting two huge personal writing projects on my plate since last month. I don't know, maybe I'm not really ready to give that to the world. Maybe. Even if friends are already excited to see it and do it with me. Well, we'll see again. Or maybe I'm just being lazy to face it. I don't know why. I'm really excited about them but at the same time I don't know which or where to start! Haha creative dilemma overflow indeed! If only I didn't need to spend some time earning a living, I'd rather be doing this the whole time, you know. But as we all know, writing doesn't earn you much in this country, unless you sell out... which I am also currently doing. Ah! Artistic woes. Why you no leave me? Hm.

New year, new look. Genderqueer is here.
(January 2012 at my crib)

I guess I'm also a bit distracted lately in other aspects. But it's a good kind of distraction, because it's the kind that heals my soul. It's a distraction that makes me smile. I'd rather be happy in being distracted this way than being sad and wallowing on something unattainable, or something that doesn't feel like it wants me, or maybe the universe doesn't want it to happen for me, to me, for some strange reason only the universe knows, you know. Well, you know what I mean. Being unsure. It disrupts the calmness of my being, especially if I always spend my free time worrying about someone I care about so deeply. Oh man. I don't know if I'm making sense here but the point is, I just want things to be calmer inside of me. Fortified, still working on it, and the next step is achieving inner calm.

But I also hope that the people I deeply care for also deeply care for themselves as well, and that is what worries me. Well, no choice; that's how I am with people I love and care for. I worry about them, by default. You'll know that I don't give a flying fuck about someone if I don't spend time worrying about their well-being. My true friends know this, as well as my family. So regardless if you're new in my sphere but if you're cool enough to be in it, then I automatically care for you, no matter the degree of our relationship, no matter the newness of our interaction. Of course if you've been in my life for a while, even if you don't get in touch, I still worry about you, because I care for you, especially if you know that you mean a lot to me as a human being, whatever permutation of relationship we have. I guess that's just how I am programmed. I guess it's not only in material things I am generous with, but with emotions as well, as some have pointed out in the past to me. Hm, well, what else will we do with a beating heart, eh? Such is life. Feel it.

So yeah, calm. I hope to have that soon. Or maybe now? In the near future. Well, I don't know. Any kind of calm is good for me right now.

getting busy with life, as exemplified by my writing nook (December 2011 at my crib)

Another thing that's making me unstable is school. Well, what else is new? Not teaching, but the other stuff. It all started last week as our institute prepared for revamps in our graduate curriculum, and of course I am involved in such changes again. That was last week's stress. Also pressured to finish one paper I am presenting in a film conference in Hong Kong by March, but I will only go if the school gives me funds. Although I'd really love to travel again, it's quite hard to sync that with another incentive that's making me stay here during that time. Well, we'll see. Priorities. Yes, we still need to do them. And to focus, too. Ah! Distractions. Of the good kind. The excitable kind. We need that as well. To live. So we weigh. As we feel.

So many things happening on my plate right now, and most times I don't know where to start. Creative endeavors, interactions with people, events, projects, what have you. Life. Yes, it's happening. Yes, it's moving. So yes, I need this calm, right before life takes me off to different directions again, ever so early in the year. It's quite exciting, to tell you the truth. Many promising details. Many surprising turnouts, and many excitable leads. I guess this year of the dragon will definitely roar for this ox, in more ways than one. In fact, it already has taken me off the ground, as I am floating a bit already. It's also a leap year as I checked, so maybe this is the year we leap again to things unknown. Whatever those things are, we have yet to discover. The important thing is, we decide to move, and not to be stagnant. We decide to be active, we decide to be creative. And best of all, we decide to be happy.

Toasting the new year with a bit of, uh, cholesterol on the side.

Hey, life is short! Indulge! (January 2012 at my crib)

Indeed, life is short to merely think of what once was. We have to be awake to see what else could be there, could happen, could take place. No regrets, no excuses, no apologies. Again, maximum amount of pleasure, minimum amount of bullshit. This should be the mantra for the year.

Okay let's move!

chillin' with my new girlfriend Nona (okay that's my 7Dcam, before y'all react haha!)
during our family xmas get-together (December 2011 somewhere in Pasig)

conclusion

2012-01-13T07:52:00.007+08:00

So if I'm nothing but a distant memory for you, then you're nothing but an archived photograph for me.

Thanks for pointing this out to me, universe.

Now let's open this new package. Freshly delivered to my doorstep.

AKO NA!

And good morning Marikina! Let's emerge from the darkness now.
Apollo, do your thang! See you later, Artemis.
(photo outside my window right now)

Note to self 1: Please turn this into a full-blown fiction piece in the near future. [Wagi ka talagang mag-isip ng opening lines, beks. Ikaw na, ang writer!]

Note to self 2: Stop arguing with Fil-Am dykes who don't listen. Ruins your sleep. [Ayan napapala mo kaka-chat. Magsulat ka na lang muna kasi.]

Note to self 3: Don't be scared. It's just love. [Puta ka, walang ganyanan hayup.]

Note to self 4: Pakinggan si Melanie Marquez. Been there, been that. [Repeat performance na naman? Pagoda coldwave lotion mode na.]

Note to self 5: Magtrabaho ka na punyeta. [Maya na, katamad e.]

Note to self 6: Google is your friend. [Punyeta define cuboid.]

Note to self 7: Stop talking to yourself. [Taena walang basagan ng trip, teh. Nubeh.]

AKO NA!

dent

2012-01-12T18:27:00.005+08:00

I originally blogged this on DL earlier. But I think I could share it here as well. Wala lang. :)

Current feelings flowing.

chillin' at the backseat of my homie's ride with the top down in the
city of angels (ako na, ang gangster mode. chos!)
[April 2010 somewhere in Los Angeles, California]

DENT

It's rare that someone makes a dent in my being. And if she does, then I get scared. Because then, things follow the dent. Either I get derailed or I reroute. To repair or to sustain, ah, that is the question.

Sometimes it's hard to drive through this side road called like. Because it ultimately leads to the highway called love. I don't know if I'm ready to traverse this way again. Yet. Because I'm not sure if the past insurance covered me enough to recover from previous bumps. Parts of me are still in the repair shop. Some spare parts still need to be found and fixed. Still checking the gears inside and out. Alignment is the key, so torque needs to be continuously checked and adjusted. It's always hard for me to get sideswiped. I don't want to jump lanes anymore.

But I like this feeling of getting lost.

Hm.

Life is short. Drive.

care

2012-01-05T08:57:00.010+08:00

The other night, I invited a new friend over at my place and she was somewhat blown away by what I have in my space -- which is basically a space of my own. See, here in Manila, it's still not so common for us folks to move out of our folks' home when we reach 18. We're not that American, I guess, despite our postcolonial history. So I had to explain to my friend how I tried to be "American" in that sense, that I wanted to move out as soon as I started my journey towards professional life after graduating from the university, during my early 20s.

What price freedom? a friend once said, when I had
doubts of sustaining my own space early in my life.
Liberte! indeed. (December 2011)

I'm not actually surprised by her reaction of me having lived on my own for maybe 15-16 years already. What I found funny is that she doesn't believe I live alone, or that I'm single, given this kind of life I have pala daw (being independent, which is an attractive trait pala to some people, as I gathered from her reaction), that I must be sharing this space with someone, especially for financial reasons mostly, and all that stuff. I had to convince her that no, I can handle this space alone, thanks to the blessings of the universe. I have been good, so far. After debunking her thoughts, she then debunked mine when she asked this: So sino ang nag-aalaga sa iyo dito?

That question left a profound pause within me. "Who's taking care of you here?" I needed a moment to process the question since I don't really believe that there should be someone who should take care of me. I can take care of myself, yes. Whenever I have girlfriends, I still end up taking care of myself, and taking care of them, too. The last time someone came to my life, the one who said that she'll take care of me for a change -- and she did, the first woman who ever did, actually -- still ended up breaking my heart and crushing my soul. Hm, so much for caring.

Sun god Apollo relinquishing his duties to his twin sister, moon goddess Artemis.
I believe they both look after me, but I feel Artemis cares more. (January 2009)

Yesterday, I spent a good deal of my day hanging out with a new kindred spirit, and we exchanged stories of the women in our lives and how care figures in our respective narratives. It was also a good time for me to hear of other people's set-ups. Her and her partner's recent stories intrigued me, as I feel that there is a kind of lopsided functioning of care that somewhat developed in their picture. Or maybe I'm just judgmental. But that's the reason why we spent the day talking and processing their story, upon her request -- because the care might be waning already, she and her partner assessed. It took us chats with coffee then chats with beer to process the process, in between cigarettes. It's a journey, we think, a never-ending one; life always is. So is love. But I believe that no matter what happens, they will both come out of this episode strong -- separately or together -- because they are both phenomenal women in my view and observation. I wish them the best.

Now when it came to my turn telling her my recent history with a common friend of ours, it also boiled down to care, and we both assessed that this common friend -- someone I used to date -- perhaps doesn't seem to know how to care for herself, properly. And perhaps that also affects the way she cares for others in her life, myself included. My friend suggested that maybe I need to restructure how I care for myself in relation to her. But how I will do this restructuring I have yet to discover. But it was a good advice nonetheless -- restructure. It's making me think, and rethink. It's a good challenge.

My safe space. (September 2011)

Care. I've always known that I have to really take care of myself. The very reason why I moved out of my parents' home immediately was because of this: I want to take care of myself my way, not theirs. I want to be free to enact this care. It's not a default thing to rely on care from your family but of course I welcome it if it's presented to me. There are different permutations of caring anyway, and that is but one of that.

Care. My new friend was insinuating that perhaps I needed someone steady in my life -- a girlfriend, a partner -- so that I could be taken cared of in a domestic way or in another way, I guess. But do I need that? I'm not so sure, really. After having several relationships that have failed, I really think it will take me a long time before I will enter into another formal relationship, because yes, there should be care in my life first -- and I have to care for myself, first and foremost. It takes a while for me to reconstruct my soul when it has been shattered after a failed relationship, and I don't also have a deadline for such reconstructions. Sometimes I just feel it in my gut, that I am ready, I am open, I wish to embrace another human within my periphery, that I am ready to care for others that way again.

Sometimes it will rain on your parade. Deal with it. (November 2011)

But maybe not now. I guess I have to really care for myself first, because I am seriously afraid of someone doing that for me. But hey, if there are volunteers that will come along, of course I won't say no immediately, as well. I guess I just have to set parameters and boundaries, that's all, like sharing a common scope of caring, having a Venn diagram of shared space while at the same time maintaining individual spaces where we could each nurture and care for our own self our own way.

Sometimes it rains *and* shines at the same time.
Deal with it. (October 2011)

Yeah, I think that's a better option. The last thing I want to do -- and feel -- is to use someone's love and care as a crutch to live my life. Been there, done that. Not good. I don't want to get drunk or addicted to some form of emotion again, especially love. I'd like to traverse life's paths sober and clean, and I don't want someone to be there beside me just because it's an obligation to be with me, an obligation to care for me. No, that's not how love or care should be. I believe care, like love, should not be operationalized as a requirement, a task, a duty. It's a feeling, a voluntary emotion, not an obligation. That's the bottomline.

So I hope those who wish to volunteer to traverse paths with me in the future would understand how I operationalize these things called love and care. But if they don't, then that's fine. I'm really happy and contented with how I am, alone, even if people don't seem or want to believe it. As that Pinoy line goes, "It's not my problem anymore; it's your problem anymore!" Chos! :)

Sink or swim? Rise above it. (at the poolside / September 2011)

Hay... early morning thoughts. I guess I had a really good sleep after such interactions and conversations with old and new friends this week. Now my soul is awake -- and ready to live.

Life is short. Enact.

inklings

2011-12-31T21:20:00.003+08:00

It's the year of the tatt as well... with me as The Girl With The Rainbow Tattoo... and then some.

Comme ca:

All tatts conceptualized and designed by me.
Got them every two months
(June for yoni-lez tatt; August for lesbian-feminist orange-violet symbols;
November for alibata rainbow tramp stamp + rainbow motto
"hope and keep busy") done by the same female tatt artist.

My skin is a canvas. Each dot of pain is a learning experience. The overall picture decorates me in a new way now.

Bring it on!

Happy Queer Year!

2011-12-31T11:18:00.004+08:00

[right before the UPCMC xmas party / December 2011 Quezon City, Philippines]

Let's ride! Yiii-haw!

winding down

2011-12-29T21:32:00.030+08:00

In three days' time, it's official: we will be closing this year and embracing the new one.

2012.

Some folks say that's the end of the world as we know it. Some folks just laugh.

Me, I wind down.

What a whirlwind of a year this has been. I was actually planning on writing something else in this space to count down the days to the new year. But this whirlwind sometimes still knocks the wind out of me, thinking and remembering what has been, what was there, and what has gone -- and what I want. Alas, there is also what is irretrievable, a touch-move stance, broken pieces that no glue on earth could mend. The intangibles.

We take them all in.

On my computer desktop, I write notes to myself on electronic post-its, things that pop into my head, mostly of things I should write about. One of them read like this:

conversations with my ghosts, or speeches i will never make (addressing phantoms of my mind)

This project eventually evolved when the word "pensieve" entered my mind one day, in reference to that big container of magical water in the Harry Potter mythology where you drop bits of tears that store memories in your mind. Or was it straight-up thoughts tapped from the temple by the wand and put in special vials to be poured out of the pensieve for viewing of memories in 3D. Something like that.

I thought of pensieve-ing some thoughts that have been bothering me this whole year, especially the latter half of the year, thinking of leaving them in this container of a blog, so as not to bring them over when I cross time markers with the rest of the world as the earth completes yet another revolution in its orbit. But I decided to junk that project. It seemed too heavy, too deep, that I may not be able to muster enough strength to present it clearly, to carry it. It still weighs my soul down. The "conversations to people I will not make" project was also let go, as it also weakens me to even think of it. I guess I still can't converse.

So I thought of focusing on the whirlwind(s), and what still blows my sails to discover directions forgotten and new ones yet to be discovered.

Perhaps the biggest whirlwind of it all is finding love again despite the soul-shattering episode I had last year. While it looked too good to be true, odds were defied and new formations of interactions were established, invented, and solidified. Now the trick is, what if ties have to be severed?

Often have I cried to a couple of good friends about this mid-year, when the strongest of those ties was cut off for good -- physical distance. I told my friends that I think I could better handle the tragedy of losing a love than the "tragedy" of loving someone who is not with you physically. I guess this is the wind that also knocked me out of my wits after riding high after high after high of this love interaction, love reinvented, love revamped project, for the first great half of the year, when I was having the time of my life.

As I tweeted earlier this month:

Love is a drug, and after years of exposure,
I definitely need rehab. How do you get sober?

As with all addictions, love is also something I need to handle. Perhaps the intensity of the love I experienced was so strong that it needed to be contained, controlled, handled, but I couldn't. I didn't know how. I know I'm not making much sense here but trust me on this one when I say that this love I felt was the most wonderful love I have ever felt in a long time, because it was complete -- intellectually, mentally, romantically, sexually. Complete, not perfect, but perfection is not the aim there, but contentment. And I was so content. Contentment leads to a quiet kind of happy. A quiet kind of happy leads to waking up each day being grateful, and going to sleep with the thought that waking up the next day excites you. It was like that. For me, at least.

A complete package is rare to encounter in one's lifetime, if you encounter it at all. Given my history in this department of romantic feelings, I was actually cynical that this kind of package even existed at all. But surprisingly, it did. No, it's not really just the person you meet--of course that is the most important catalyst and element--but the overall circumstances that get factored in also mattered: her countenance, my countenance, our combined circumstances, the environment that pushed us to be with each other, things that nurtured the interaction, positive and negative ones. You could say that we needed each other at that particular space and time. And perhaps it's over now. Or at least, that stage is. And it can never be retained, sustained, or maybe it has to evolve to something else. Who knows? But perhaps we are both resisting the evolution, for reasons we are not yet clear about. Or maybe that's just me.Or I'm just overthinking, yet again.

So that's the whirlwind that propelled me to love again for the first half of the year, the same wind that knocked the wind out of me when that love turned out to have a physical expiration date. But we knew it was coming; we just didn't prepare for it. Defiant bitches that we are, we ignore such things, of course. And I think we both suffered after, individually. We coped, still coping, and perhaps will continue coping unless the universe gives us clues as to what to do next. But we also don't wait. We only hope.

But the bottomline here is that we are still both glad that we are in touch, even if from a distance, even if other factors bother our spheres already in our respective universes. I likened her once to a comet, something that comes once in a lifetime, gracing the skies with its marvelous and stunning presence, and then leaving, not to be seen for the next decades. Something like that. I guess I have to remind myself that if this love was indeed that kind of a comet, then I have to fortify myself and accept the fact that I learned a lot from it, I grew as a person with that kind of interaction, and I was able to wake up what was sleeping inside of me, all these years, dormant facilities that needed to jumpstart again. For those results, I am very, very grateful this happened at that time and with that person. I never regret one day of our interaction, even if during my saddest moments of longing I somewhat did. Of course you think crazy thoughts when you are immensely sad.

So perhaps what I am saying here is that I am glad for this love interaction that came into my life this year, and also left but not to be forgotten. Maybe new chapters of this book will be written in the future, we both mused once, but as for now, we don't hang on to what will be, but we hold on to what once was. And it's fine that sometimes, we ignore what is there right now, since that is the hardest to deal with the most. But yes, we cope. Indeed, we do. We always cherish.

I guess this immense sadness from longing will not be felt had her absence not been amplified by another sadness that came from a different sphere in my life: my longtime friendship sphere, to be exact.

Early this year, I somewhat felt that a kindred spirit was waning in interaction with me, for reasons unknown to me. He cannot even greet me properly during my birthday, or get in touch to see how I have been doing. This was our routine, but it somewhat surprised me that he was starting to break away from it. And when I found out that part of breaking away was related to his way of earning a living, I was completely saddened by it. To be secretive of professional money-earning endeavors was something I expected from our other "friends" but not from him. I was bewildered to learn of this secrecy, and I was immensely saddened, for perhaps I was judged wrongly in that approach. No, it wasn't about envy; it was about honesty, or the lack of it. And it was such a bad flashback for me. Perhaps, like our other "friends," I am also seen as a professional "threat" by him because I function, because I meet deadlines, because I deliver. This was how outsiders analyzed the situation. The term "crab mentality" in Philippine culture would be without basis if things like these didn't exist. But the saddest of all sad things is that he and I vowed not to be crabs in that boiling pot, that we will leave that boiling pot in order not to pull each other down, but to push each other up. Sadly, from his change of heart, he obviously wanted to pull, not push. What a waste. A waste of an investment in emotional integrity.

This wasn't the first time so-called "friends" did this to me in the professional sphere. I already had one major heartbreak and two minor heartaches from similar experiences within our set of "friends." Never did I imagine that it will happen again, to me, and with him. This, too, was something that knocked the wind out of me during the last quarter of the year. I think I haven't recovered yet, actually, but I try to move on.

But I suppose friendships have to dissipate at a certain time. My problem is that I hold on to them ever so fiercely, because that was what I offered them -- my fiercely loyal self. Perhaps in the end, what I should be doing is to train myself to be fiercely loyal to myself, even if it's hard, even if it's selfish. But like what one of my life motto says, as printed there in my sidebar, either I'm your best friend or I'm your worst enemy. Sadly, people choose unwisely. Well, I guess that is not my fault anymore. At least now I know where they stand, and I should then keep my distance and hold my ground. For stability.

But if losing old friends meant making new ones, then I also welcomed that this year. Seemingly dormant friendships were revived, seemingly shallow/platonic friendships became more meaningful and deeper, and new persons are kindred spirits in the making. And I am loving it. There were those who briefly came and immediately went, but their interactions are equally treasured still. Yes, in order not to be stagnant in your pond, you have to swim and meet all kinds of fishes eventually. I am glad I am going with the flow of people who want to traverse the same tides and waves I do. Yes, we swim.

Many other interactions, both professional and symbolical, were made this year. I have made lots of new friends and acquaintances this year that had my professional persona both happy and glad that projects came into being, that products and services were produced, and new experiences were created. These various projects gave my professional soul so much to feel, so much to cherish, that I am glad that such networking existed. I hope to continue more of these things, both local and international, again. They felt really, really good. Enriching.

Validations were also received, ego boosters still continue to crop up as we speak, and the sun still finds ways to shine on dark spots of my mind, making me see clearly what still needs to be done, and what I ought not to be doing in the first place. Perhaps I needed to experience that rush, and then that diminishing of that rush, in order to make me feel the regular beat of my life that makes my daily existence function. In short, it's finding my beat, how many revolutions per minute does it take to make me work, come alive, think, and feel. Sometimes I am still trying to find that perfect pulse, but then again, I stop and remind myself that perfection is not my aim, and it never has been, in any endeavor. It's always contentment, should always be contentment.

So this is me winding down this year, emotionally speaking. Yes, I am alright. No, I am not depressed. Yes, sometimes I still feel sad. Of course, I am mostly happy. If I didn't feel this myriad of emotions, then I cannot be called human. I still long for the love I felt early this year, but I am also not holding on to anything that will choke anything or anyone. I miss the lost friendship, but emotional sacrifices had to be made. To a certain extent, I am getting back the old Brian Kinney mantra to propel me to next year: maximum amount of pleasure, minimum amount of bullshit. I think more than ever, I will need it for this coming year.

I have also come to the conclusion that life indeed is short. Witnessing and feeling several deaths around me of people who have different kinds of emotional ties with me, I have somewhat made this decision not to waste any more minute or second on this earth on useless things and useless entities. Negative people could continue to pull me down, could bash/criticize me to their heart's delight, but I shouldn't be bothered, because I still have lots to do with my time than to give it to them by addressing their negativity. I would rather make use of my precious time doing what I love doing, being with people who are supportive and accepting, and I would certainly use my time to make this world a better place to live in, for me and for the kids who still have to see more sunshine.

To the people I care for and love, I will continue doing that until you don't want me to anymore, or until I run out of breath. Whichever comes first.

To the friends I still have who have been ever so patient, trust me that I will continue to gamble with you in this game we call life. I may be limited in certain aspects but in aspects where I can devote fully, trust that I will.

To old "friends" who see me differently now, thank you for showing me your true side even this late in the game. There are different game courts after all. Thank you for forcing me to discover the new ones, the better ones, with people who deserve to be treated better, with people who will not waste my time like you did.

To new friends, I am excited to share the game courts with you. Let's play!

To the girl who reads, the word hasn't been invented yet to fully encapsulate what I want to say to you, so forgive me for using something trite: thanks, love.

To all of you who have been reading this space all this time, I sincerely hope you find bits and pieces of useful things that you could take home with you, and put them to good use. Learn from my mistakes, and feel free to build upon what I have laid out. Preferably, build something better. And pay it forward.

all photos September-December 2011 taken in various part of the Philippines

a happy holiday indeed

2011-12-25T10:25:00.006+08:00

Sending an orangey brown holiday greeting to the beautiful souls out there, from my small space in the universe somewhere in a place called Marikina within Metro Manila, Philippines.

Digging my redesigned digs hehe. New couch, new TV, new purpose of a bookshelf.
New breath of life, I suppose. Okay 2012, bring it on! (December 2011 Marikina)

Just nesting with my new couch and new tv watching endless movies since the other day hehe. Photo courtesy of my new girlfriend Nona. :) Heheh. (If you missed that "announcement," read the post before this hehe. Or okay, click this.

Anyway, for those who celebrate it, happy holidays na lang. For those who don't, happy vacation :)

Borrowing babaylan's tree:

meet my new girlfriend

2011-12-22T01:23:00.009+08:00

(sing to the tune of Copacabana) Her name is Nona. She is a show girl.

Chos.

This somehow looks like a still from an Alfred Hitcock movie.
I like! :) I heart Hitch. (self-portrait trial at the
rainbow reading room / December 2011)

We look good together, 'no?

Heehee. Yes, I have a personal relationship with inanimate objects. However, I am bad at naming them. Like my male-bodied queer friend has a new car and he named it Kevin. Imaginative. Me, I have a new laptop and I named it Pilak, Filipino for silver because, er, it's colored silver... So imagine what my old copper-colored laptop is named. Not Tanso, but... Copper. Copper Cantor. Hehe. Well, this is the first time I'm naming a camera, so well... Nona. Hehe. Because it's Canon. Labo.

Well hello zoom, we meet again. Play nice. Behave. And heed to my instructions only. And we're gonna be just fine...

This one was a personal struggle. For quite a while, I've resisted owning a digital SLR since my first wifey, my Minolta SLR with the Vivitar telephoto lens, is still around...but not handy anymore. Ah, Minolta, we've been through a lot. She has seen me struggle with my undergraduate thesis film in the '90s and saw me through it. She was ever loyal by my side when I started becoming a professional in the world of showbiz then in the world of literature then in the world of journalism up until the world of freelance writing. We've photographed events graced by three Philippine presidents and hence that ugly, ugly hard-to-remove "Presidential Security Group inspected" neon stickers on her body. We've photographed indigenous peoples up north of the Philippines and we've photographed future political rabble rousers down south of the country. We've photographed interestingly unknown Filipinos and we've shot uninteresting celebrities as well. We've climbed mountains, been in beaches, and covered Pride Marches since the time I transitioned from being cisgendered/semi-questioning to femme lesbian to genderqueer. But as with time, functions fade and services wither, and she has been dormant and quiet for years now. Just there, but never forgotten.

Hello depth of field, where have you been all these years? I missed you immensely.

So ever since, we've been having this open relationship and she has permitted me to fulfill my desires with others because she can't perform the role anymore. Hence, my wonderful trysts with two point-and-shoot Nikon cuties. They served me well.

But now, no more flings. It's time for a serious commitment. And hence, this (monogamous) marriage (for now...).

Chos!!!!!! :)

Don't mind me, I'm just high on chocolate covered malt balls.

Mighty fine capturing of details I initially thought wasn't possible
in digital technology. I was reared on celluloid film, after all --
both the still photo 35mm format and motion picture 16mm format.
Film "purist" no more. Democratizing image capturing is the shitz!

Well, it was either this or a backpacking trip out of the country during this time of the year when it's best to be out of the country (Ah, Xmas in the P.I.? That's another blogpost!). I'm glad I chose well. As a superfriend said, I should buy first what I need to have immediately in my life right now. No questions asked on what that is. Priorities. That trip can wait.

And man, am I ever so glad that the universe is watching! I seriously thought I would end this year on an unhappy note and usher in an even unhappier one. But there really are times when you just throw things up in the air and yes, they fall into place eventually. That's when good karma points earned will help glue those pieces strongly. And here we are.

Thank you, universe. Thank you goddesses for looking after me. Artemis, you rock!!!!

Now let's use this baby well!

To quote Rick in Casablanca, "I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship!"

Visayas, stay strong!

2011-12-18T11:32:00.007+08:00

Funny how the universe makes you see your life in certain perspectives.

Have you seen the news? Take a look at this photo from Dumaguete:

From Dumaguete Metro Post's FB: Dumaguete Rescuers hold on to a rope as they form a human chain to rescue 32 passengers and crew, including an infant, of ill-fated M/V Ever Transport III, which sank after running aground off sitio Canday-ong, barangay Calindagan, Dumaguete City at 4 a.m. Saturday, after it was battered by big waves brought about by Tropical Storm Sendong. (photos by Melissa Alexandra B. Pal) [as reposted in FB by my journalist friend Inday Espina Varona]

And this aerial shot of Cagayan De Oro:

Aerial View of Cagayan de Oro City during the wrath of Typhoon Sendong. Video courtesy of National Grid Corporation
of the Philippines (NGCP)... Capt. Israel Ranario (pilot) and Mr. Emmanuel D. Abellanosa, Head,
Mindanao Operations and Maintenance

What a weekend this has been. Many dead. Swept away by flash floods. Been texting my good friend KK who just went home to Dumaguete last Friday. She's okay but her relatives in CDO have another story to tell, one that's similar to my own relatives' tales in Provident Village circa 2009.

This was our version of that:

A view from where I live, September 2009. Cars floated like rafts.

News. Old news, new news. Same same, different location, similar devastation. Ondoy then, Sendong now. No need to tell you about that. (But if you're curious, this was my account of that, plus this update for my relatives abroad). I tell you, it's still traumatic for us here in Marikina sometimes. I still secretly panic whenever there are strong rains.

I was just there in CDO last June, but only in passing on our way to the Iligan City PBB auditions where I volunteered as a writer-interviewer. My first time visiting those cities, and I vowed to return to CDO sometime to explore more, since it looked really promising. Iligan was another city totally devastated by this onslaught. So sad. And of course, I don't need to tell you how relevant Dumaguete is in the hearts of literary writers in English who have been to the Silliman workshops, myself included. So yes, this is indeed sad.

I was planning on blogging another thing today, actually since yesterday, but of course bigger things like this news of the weekend makes my concerns a tad irrelevant and, to a certain degree, insignificant.

Funny how life shows you what's important. So we'll park that thought for now, and blog about it some other time.

In the meanwhile, those of you who subscribe to worshiping a deity or supreme being, please pray for my countrypeople in the Visayas region. They need all the help now. Search the Philippine Red Cross for details on how to help. Many other avenues are accepting help.

note to self mode and all that fortify jazz

2011-12-11T22:06:00.004+08:00

We really have to listen to the universe sometimes. Like today.

Taurus (Apr 20 - May 20)
Sunday, Dec 11th, 2011 -- You could feel stuck behind a wall of worry as you hold on to old beliefs that aren't relevant to your current situation. Nevertheless, you may still create convincing stories to justify your fears today. But self-doubt isn't helpful and only increases your sense of isolation. Rather than looking back to the past, envision the future just as you wish to see it. Focusing on positive affirmations is smarter now than playing into a more negative outlook.

So there. Yes, heeding!

Plans have been changing on a daily basis, but I'm glad some things just pop out of nowhere and just shake up my world in more ways than one. The only catch is, sometimes di yata kinakaya ng powers ko, all that shaking and shoving and shriveling. Man I need strength! Of the emotional kind! But yes, getting there, getting there. As a good friend pointed it out to me, "You're not depressed; you're just very sad." Hm may difference pala? Hahaha now I know! But yes, kidding aside, that really is good to know. Oh well.

It's really good to get in touch with people that care. I sometimes tend to focus on certain individuals that I seem to neglect others around me, other people who actually turn out to care more for me than those fuckers I've been focusing on pala, for so long. Life lesson learned the hard way there, and I'm glad the universe is kicking in to help me on that one. So I am thankful indeed.

It's kinda like that main Project Fortify photo I posted here a few weeks ago. Which turns out to be a manifesto of a conscientious design company in the US. If I love their manifesto in their photo-poster, what more the video version:

And it has biking to boot! Man I soooooo love this! Added it to my favorites on my Youtube channel.

Here's that photo again:

Oh yeah, I also jazzed up my channel, after years of being dormant. I decided it's time to update it and it's a good thing some of my works are online na pala. So linking lang ang kailangan and then some more uploading. But it's also good that Youtube also jazzed up their design so it really looks like a sleek pang-demo reel type of site na for me. Which is why I revived it. Take a look here.

Ayuz.

I think 2012 is promising to be a better year for me, this early. There are signs and yes, brass rings that, if I don't grab, I might regret missing them. We'll see. And yes, sometimes, there are neglected things I need to pick up again, forgotten projects that need to be revived, ignored personas yearning to be involved again. Yes, I am listening, fueling, rewiring, reprogramming things to accommodate all of them. As in ALL. No kidding.

I also have to remind myself never to repeat what mistakes I committed this past year. Lovable ones notwithstanding, and regrettable ones that need not be repaired.

Sige let's do this. HOO-HAH!

Life is short. Let's dance.
(at UP CMC audi / December 2011 photo by Maya)

and this is why we (still) march

2011-12-03T12:09:00.009+08:00

My latest POC Pinoy LGBT article is now up, in time for today's pride march in Manila. I echo the Occupy Wall Street movement's rationale of being in a certain percentage of the population.

I wasn't actually planning on writing what I wrote there. But it just surprised me the other day. I woke up thinking that thought -- that hey, we are not the 90 percent -- that I felt so impassioned and opened my laptop and started typing that article, in one sitting. I was so fired that all of a sudden, it dawned on me: yes, this isn't over. Things still have to be done. Like what my friend reminded me early this year: "Libay, they are not the movement. Rally for the cause." By they, she meant some negative elements circulating in our atmosphere, seeding clouds that rain on our parade, so to speak. She, too, has seen it first hand, like I did years ago, and we compared notes.

And hence, my "recluse-ness."

Plus I wasn't actually planning on doing things for this, today. I stated last year that last year's pride was going to be my last in Manila (but not in other parts of the Philippines, mind you) but I guess you can't take the march out of me, even if some elements in the Manila scene made me feel like I am unwelcome in my own sphere.

But chatting with my longtime bff last night -- herself a pride marcher since our late '90s days -- I again got the feeling that indeed, there is no end to this: correcting misconceptions, highlighting victories, and eradicating prejudice. I've long been whining to her, for like half a decade now, how I seem to be so in disconnect with the lgbtq scene here in Manila, "simply" because I have been espousing thoughts outside of that spectrum -- I am the q in lgbt. But where is the q? It has always been LGBT. So now, you know my dilemma.

It's not merely about identity as well. It's about my stake in it, and how people perceive it and how they reject it, actually. Yes, even within the movement, sometimes there are rejections of our kind, especially if we don't "maintain" a certain status quo. I mean, when else would true emancipation emerge if we don't get our act together?

But differences aside, this is really why, at least during one day of the year, we are all united, and hopefully we are all reminded that indeed, WE ALL HAVE A STAKE IN THIS, NO MATTER OUR APPROACHES. You say activist, I say advocate. Potato, powtahtow. You know what I'm saying?

So please peeps, stop ostracizing people who are perceived to be gay just because they choose to remain in the closet. And stop ostracizing lgbts who try to challenge our lgbt status quo, simply because each movement should have checks and balances once in a while. Please, do not ostracize those who do the checking and certainly don't be all messianic and think that a handful of you are the "only" ones who do the balancing. Intiendes?

And to the rest of those who do not understand other people's labels, I thought the point of solidarity is to be just that -- to be solid, tight, bonded as one: one in fight, one in objective, one in goal. No matter how each of us decides to travel this path to equality -- whether we're inside the closet but still inching our way to somewhere, or we're so out there that we try to convince others to see things from our rainbow lenses -- the most important thing is, WE ARE ALL TRAVELING. And travel connotes movement. And once we recognize that each form of travel is a move forward, then each small step by us -- no matter how private or publicly we do it -- is the way towards an empowered leap for queerkind.

Even with my whining as to how people seem to not get me, I say what the hey. I was reminded by good friends that I don't have to, I just have to be. To be who I am, do the things I love, things that make my blood rush with excitement, that's going to be who I am. Yes, I have to write that down somewhere, because sometimes, I forget, and I slip into some state of emotional coma. I need to constantly remind myself as well that I still have lots of things to do in my life, regardless of how people perceive me. And whoever can't get with the program can just mind their own business na lang, please. Because I won't start morphing into other people's perceived notions of identity simply to "fit in." Since I was small, my cousins have always tagged me as a nonconformist, even if I still didn't know what that word meant. Now that I know, I embrace it. So no, I don't need to conform to what your ideal persona is, and if I happen to fall outside your arena of personas, then so be it. Sooner or later, someone who happens to like this persona will arrive, as they have in the past (and someone is still there, actually, and I thank her for still being there, regardless of the distance :)). Yes, I don't mind waiting, because I also have other things to do while I wait. Yes, I also need to remind myself of that, to not be stagnant. My mind also has to move, not just my body, because movement is a staple of my soul's nourishment.

So today, we try to move, still. Even if I'm just in the periphery, documenting this event in photos -- like what I've been doing since 1997 -- and writing about this in some form of media, I do what I can, whenever I can, whichever way I can. This is how I participate, this is how I show my pride, and this is how I show my solidarity with the movement. Yes, we have different ways but we have the same objectives.

So HAPPY PRIDE, MANILA. Yes, that song is true; I keep coming back to Manila. I guess I can't help it.

So Malate, I'm coming home.

For now. :)

buma-ballad of the sad cafe-ish mode

2011-11-30T22:27:00.007+08:00

I was watching some showbiz news show earlier in a local channel when they showed what was up next in tonight's episode of Glee. I was never hooked to this show and never got interested, even when one of my college friends went gaga one time when he showed me how one episode revolved around Madonna songs. "It's just like our college barkada" he said. Well okay admittedly, that was okay. The Madonna ep actually reminded me of our own fresh-out-of-college days life in our Reality Bites mode of an apartment in QC. Yeah, that was okay. But still, Madonna wasn't enough to move me to become a regular viewer of this musically-oriented show.

Until tonight's ep.

Tonight, the lesbian plight of the cheerleader named Santana was the subject of the ep. Apparently, she just came out or something, or she made a video for the It Gets Better project or something to that effect, and since she's not yet out to everyone -- especially her family -- the story worked up on her outing.

Her storyline had a good pacing. Not too jampacked with a lot of emotional drama stuff, story handling was quite reserved in a good way, meaning not too heavy-handed in treatment. Boy, if this was Philippine TV, I tell you, it would not be this mellow! Geez, we Pinoys put the melo in melodrama, that's why. How I envy US writers who can write freely like this.

Anyway, I think what made me change my mind about the show was its handling of this issue. Now I am curious as to how they handled her whole lesbian story arc. I get bits here and there, reading posts of my friends in the lezzieverse, and of course seeing clips of the other gay-themed storyline with the boy kissing another boy and all that, which also led to this lesbian storyline. But since this is a girl-to-girl interaction, I want to watch it and see how they present such storylines.

But to connect this with reality, I also felt sad when Santana's abuela (Spanish for lola or grandma) rejected her outing, saying something like "You put me to shame" or something, meaning the lola's reaction is that this secret should have remained a secret, and that secret now burdened her lola. I can't help but compare how we Pinoys deal with such things. It's the don't ask, don't tell policy in Pinoy families when it comes to sexual orientation and gender identity things. A recent article I wrote centered on that. Read more here.

But I guess more than the lesbian storyline, it was the songs that got me. I mean, I never heard some of my favorite female-penned/female-sung songs sung by male bodies before. But somehow, it was still a kind of gender-bending treatment, I dunno. It felt that way. Like when one boy sang Melissa Etheridge's "I'm The Only One" but it still had that lesbian vibe to it. Man, I love that song, and the whole album where that came from! You kidding me? No self-respecting woman-loving-woman should be caught dead without a copy of Yes I Am heheh (or maybe that's just my generation? Bleh, ageism.) And then that lead boy sang "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" by one of my '80s favorite Cyndi Lauper; equally good treatment, since it was melodramatic and acoustic. Well, I guess for lack of a better pop hook, they also had to sing Katy Perry's "I Kissed A Girl" but craftily avoided the discriminatory portions towards the end. Smart. (If you don't know what I'm talking about, I dissected some "seemingly gay-friendly" songs before in an article. Read it here.)

But what got me was when they sang one of my favorite favorite favorite songs of all time, kd lang's "Constant Craving." Oh man, that did it for me! And to use it for what it truly is -- a song of empowerment about who you are and what you want to attain, whether it's love or ambition (or both, or the ambition for love, actually) -- and arrange it so that multiple voices sing it but it somehow applies to their own existence, I mean wow, simple yet cool. Subtle, but loaded. I like it.

The song's lyrics are just simple, but how kd sings it is really striking:

Even through the darkest phase
Be it thick or thin
Always someone marches brave
Here beneath my skin

Constant craving
Has always been

Maybe a great magnet pulls
All souls towards truth
Or maybe it is life itself
That feeds wisdom
To its youth

Constant craving
Has always been

Funny, I just remembered one of the very first short stories I wrote that was published in the late '90s had something to do with songs, about a woman hesitatingly falling in love with a woman, and I ended it with them quoting that kd lang song. The story's title is "The Ballad of Tisha Gail" and it's actually one of my favorite stories in my treasure trove. Fiction writer Butch Dalisay, in our grad class, termed it as "the search for princess charming" heheh.

My very bad attempt at videoke, peer-pressured by my lesbian friends
in Baguio heheh. I tell ya, I can dance bad-ass like Ellen but I can't sing a song
to save my life. So un-Filipino, di ba? To be a bad singer?
And my last name means "soloist in a choir" pa naman haha!
(City Tavern, Baguio / April 2011 photo by superfriend L)

You can't find that story online so here's part of it. The pitch is, it's about this Pinay lesbian named Gina who has a huge crush on her officemate Trish, a Fil-Canadian. Sharing the ending here:

“You know, you’re really nice, Gina. You’d make some woman very happy some day, you know, when you decide to settle down.”

“Geez, Trish!”

“What? It’s true. You’re a hard-working woman, very talented, nice, kind, a good confidante, and domesticated. Am I embarrassing you enough or do you want more?”

“Ha! Yeah, right! More! Geez!”

“And you’re also sweet, thoughtful--”

“Geez, Trish! Stop it!”

“Ha-ha!”

“And what’s that ‘domesticated’ thing? How can you say that?”

“You fix up your bed and the room every morning. You even fix my own bed without me asking you to. And you like doing the dishes, you help in preparing the food. You know, wife stuff.”

“Wife stuff? Hasn’t it occurred to you that maybe I’m just doing that because I have to, because that’s my only contribution to this trip since everything’s provided for free by your Tita?”

“No, Gina. It’s more than that. You’re also like that in the office. I know, because you always fix up our cubicle. And I’m always embarrassed, because I can be such a slob!”

“Yeah, that or I’m just super obsessive-compulsive.”

“That never bothered me.”

“You’re such a flake, Trish. Did you know that? Miss Nicety-Nice is a flake!”

“Yes! I am! Ha-ha! Only you guys don’t know it!”

“He-he! Great! So what else don’t we know about you that you feel like sharing, huh?”

“Well...”

“W-ell... what?”

“Well, I’d like to know why, Gina.”

“Why? Why what?”

“Why you never made a pass at me? During all those times that we’re out of town?”

“WHAT?”

“Um, you know...”

“Uh, geez, now I’m uh, speechless...”

“I’ve been thinking about it, Gina. I’ve had more fun with you than with anybody else I’ve met and had relationships with all my life. I was toying with the idea of kissing you, you know, just to know how it feels to kiss a woman. A Filipino woman.”

“What—you mean—“

“I mean… I had some lesbian suitors back in Vancouver, but I never found them interesting. Through them, I found out that I can be open, but not with them. Perhaps I’m looking for something else in them. I’m not sure what exactly, but, um, I guess I found that in you.”

“Alright, stop with the jokes before I get really really embarrassed here!”

“No, Gina, no jokes, honest! These past three days, I keep on thinking ‘what if I lie beside you and just hug you?’ You’re so caring, so nice, that I’m wondering why you don’t have a girlfriend.”

“W-ell... I dunno. He-he… Kinda hard to find the good girls.”

“Um, I’m here, am I not? I’m good. You guys always say so yourselves.”

“Wh-- uhh, you, uh, mean...”

“You want to give it a shot?”

“Uhh...”

“Chicken!”

“No, I’m not!”

“Prove it then!”

I guess I have Freddie and Jill to thank for not showing up that night at the bar. No, I retract. I have my boss to thank for trapping them in that charades game. I have to thank her for making nepotism a priority and putting Patricia in our office as my supervisor. Or do I have to thank Vancouver for exposing Patricia to the proper gay and lesbian awareness? Whoever and whatever it is that I should thank, I thank them all. If not for them, then I won’t be receiving this wonderful feeling called love from this wonderful woman named Patricia. She taught me a new song about myself, about giving people a chance to show their true selves to me. And I’m grateful. I guess I’m also teaching her a new song, the one that says being loved by her is the most wonderful thing on earth. She then persuaded me to take a much-needed vacation. So I guess next month, we’ll be jamming in a videoke bar somewhere on the outskirts of Vancouver.

“Your Tita Myra will miss me at the office, you know. Are you sure it’s alright?”

“Gina, let nepotism work to your advantage for once.”

“But she will suspect, because I’m going with you! And you’ll be in trouble.”

“Gina, why do you think she’s still called Miss Myra and lives alone in her house with her adopted daughter at the prime age of 42? It’s just one of those family things that the family doesn’t really discuss, you know what I mean?”

“You mean…”

“Yes, I mean.”

“Oh. OH! Oh. Wow. WOW!”

We were both wondering if Freddie and Jill noticed the special closeness Patricia and I had after the Burnham Park walk. I guess they did, because I saw the two wink at me when I said goodnight. Sleeping early Patricia, Jill said. Well, the walk back here was tiring, she said. Besides, Gina’s teaching me the lyric to this new song I liked, this k.d. lang song the bar band sang. O-kayyy... So, goodnight, you two. Wink, smile, courtesy of Freddie. Wink, smile, courtesy of Jill. Smile, thumbs up, courtesy of yours truly.

“So, how does it go again, Gina? And constant craving is -- is what?”

“Has, Trish, has always been.”

("The Ballad of Tisha Gail" ©1999, this revision ©2008)

Yeah, it's really interesting to note that the good kicks I get from pop culture stuff still have something to do with women-loving-women-themed stuff. And I like it. So sige, will put this show on my backlog of things to watch for the holidays and see how the storyline goes.

Trans Pride and genderqueered thoughts

2011-11-20T14:19:00.011+08:00

We're celebrating this today, worldwide:

I am one with my fellow transpinays, STRAP, in their candle-lighting ceremony and readings event later at my old NGO office Isis International Manila. I'm just jampacked today so I can't make it.

The list of worldwide events to commemorate this day is here.

I also wrote two trans-related articles this month for POC Pinoy LGBT, in commemoration of this. It's sad that outside the lgbtq and specifically in trans advocate communities, the Philippines never really try to make an effort in understanding the trans identity. That's what my first article is about, sort of a Trans 101 Pinoy style type of article.

Excerpt:

To put it simply, we should all respect what a person wants in terms of labeling herself or himself in terms of gender identities. Thus, if you meet a transgender person, please ask them first what their identity is and how they want to be addressed. If you know a biological male who started dressing like a woman and presents himself as a woman, please don’t pin him to a label he doesn’t want to be identified with. If he wants to be identified as a woman because he feels his heart, mind and soul is that of a woman’s, then refer to him as a woman – not a gay man, not a bisexual man, and not a “transvestite” since gender identity doesn’t involve merely dressing up. It’s the same for transmen, or biologically-born women who want to be identified as men. Stop calling them lesbians if their identity is beyond that.

I know that in the Philippine context, this is mostly a struggle reflected not only outside the LGBTQ community but also within it sometimes – proper recognition. Since the country runs on default dichotomies of labeling people (man/woman, straight/gay, heterosexual/homosexual, good/bad), people are automatically lumped in either/or categories, no in-betweens, and certainly no patience for varied sub-identities. It’s either you’re just gay, or you’re just lesbian. What if you’re not just that? Again, where are the Bs, Ts, and Qs?

The article title is "Trans identities in the (Pinoy) SOGI alphabet." Read more here.

The other article is the more interesting one (it comes out anytime this week), since I detail there how, for the first time in my life, I've seen a transman, or those born females but transitioned and went under the knife to become male. We call this FTM, female to male but they are post-op. It was soooo cool! It was when I was doing this video, actually, for Mama Cash Netherlands, last summer.

Yes, the Spanish-speaking one there, Andres, is the transman. I just wished we didn't have a huge language barrier. Mi espanyol no es bueno kasi hehe ay caramba. I wanted to converse with him sana about lots of things about this. Grabe it's just sooo cool!

I guess I'm interested in these things because since I have embraced the queer label instead of the lesbian (specifically the lesbian-feminist), it is somehow related to questioning gender nuances. That's why I prefer to be a genderqueer person, meaning someone who doesn't give a damn about the man/woman labels, because it's limiting, and especially its heterosexist application in the Filipino lesbian context. What I mean is when you are a lesbian in the Philippines, you are made to "choose" if you are butch or femme, and if you are butch, almost always you have to be like a man and people refer to you as a man. If you are femme naman, you assume the "woman role" in a relationship.

I don't like this, really. It's so patriarchal. I had a good conversation about this last night with a good friend of mine, a lesbian who is my "exclu buddy" hehe meaning we only get to see each other, at least once a year, whenever there's an exclusive party going on haha! And we update each other on our lives and our friends and such. And we were just amazed yesterday because we saw that the lesbian scene outside the advocacy community is still pretty much the same -- butch-femme dichotomies abound. I wondered about this and she said that as long as patriarchy is not dead, we will have such patriarchal mimicry in our spheres. I was like PAK! Swak sa banga, teh. Grabe. May tama siya. Interesting.

Oh, if you're wondering what an exclusive party is, check out this article I wrote about it. Yes, it's an exclusive event for lesbians. Or women who love women.

Last summer din, I also met someone who identifies as gender nonconforming, Christine Sun, this queer rights lawyer na Asian-American. And she was so cool about it. We had an interesting conversation thanks to the US Embassy people who brought her here. I also wrote an article about that here.

Yeah so I think more than anything, I could also be gender nonconforming since I don't really want to subscribe to merely being referred to as a man or a woman. Kaya going back to these un-politicized lez circles -- and even the politicized circles rin naman -- they're still having a hard time grasping such newer forms of identities. I think aside from me, I only know one person who wants to seriously transition naman to the trans identity for real, not merely sa genderqueer and nonconforming like me. She is a good friend and I am happy that she's finding her true self again these days. I guess we all make those journeys once in a while, several times in our lifetime, and I support her all the way, wherever level she wants to take her identity anew. I'm all for that, as long as it finds her happiness.

this is what (my) genderqueer looks like
(Nov 2011 on the way to Eastwood Libis QC)

As for me, well, most times I just keep these things to myself because it's also quite tiresome to explain to people, especially to people you know won't really absorb the answers but are merely making conversation. But I'd gladly lecture on this to those who want to listen, and certainly I won't stop writing about it.

Comme ca.

Bakit? Book it?

2011-11-14T13:26:00.003+08:00

At this very moment, I am still debating whether I should attend the Manila International Literary Festival or funnily shortened as MILF. I swear, whoever thought of this name last year is... a genius. Haha!

I just don't like the reference to a certain author's past novel.
Said author was just easily "forgiven" for plagiarizing issues
early this year. I don't think that's right.

The program line-up is here. It doesn't look as exciting as last year, the first, but what the hey. Yeah so maybe I won't attend all three days na lang since the ones I'm interested in are in the two days lang naman. But I don't know.

Let's see. Will give feedback in my pop culture blog if ever.

the bearable lightness of being (there)

2011-11-06T20:21:00.003+08:00

My friend is right.

To reiterate:

And Project Fortify is SO ON!

commencing Project Fortify. right. about. now. funk soul brutha.

2011-11-06T11:52:00.008+08:00

And it looks a little somethin' like this...

It's best to stay focused.

Like that song in Avenue Q said, "but only for now..."

Life is only for now.

...and the deathly hollow(ed)

2011-11-01T15:28:00.012+08:00

It's quiet here in my part of the world -- deathly quiet.

The Philippines is "celebrating" undas season right now, or All Saints Day today and All Souls Day tomorrow. Today is an official holiday and tomorrow is an unofficial one for those who can get away with it. Officially, it was also holiday yesterday since Halloween was sandwiched in between holidays and the weekend. Hence, it was a long weekend for most people here. So most of the people are either out of town on a vacation or went to visit their dead relatives in the cemeteries. Hence, the quietness of the area.

It has been an interesting long weekend so far for me. Coming from deathly sad thoughts, I think it was a good transition time for me to ruminate things over and stuff like that. I like the quiet that this weekend has offered so far. I wish to extend it until tomorrow.

But first, I want to get the deathly sad thought out of the way.

I was reading this column by feminist writer Rina Jimenez David about the concept of "e-lamay" where overseas Pinoy workers can participate in real-time during the wake of their dearly departed here. Yes, this is a legitimate service offered by funeral homes here now. Strange, no? Anyway, that column made me realize that it's not such a bad idea after all, this online wake biz, since I participated in one myself lately.

While I introduced the better concept of Skype-ing to my relatives in Canada the past week (the usual phone line conferencing already sucks), we somehow took it to the next level as my sister, using my cousin's iphone, called me up online so that I could see how they are during my grandfather's wake. My lolo died about 10 days ago or so, and it really made us so sad. What's even sadder is the fact that I was contemplating on how I wanted to go there to visit him, alive, for the last time, but my luck ran out, I guess. Hence the virtual participation.

There was even an online registry/announcement of sorts
which you can find in the funeral service's website here.
I wonder how long they're going to have it there?

My tita in front of my lolo's open casket.

It was also good for us to call each other in person, Skype-ing that way during the time we were waiting for the service. North America does death differently, as we found out, so instead of hanging out with the dearly departed in the funeral home, my relatives hung out at my tita's home. That was when we started Skype-ing, and I'm glad I got to see them and hear them again, after so long.

New nephews with my Ontario-based cousin and
my sister who flew in from California, just in time,
and was the one who broke the news to me.

Now I can't wait to hang out with them. I hope I could do that real soon.

Sharing hearty laughter with relatives that matter are priceless.
I have long forgotten that. Thanks to this event,
I am reminded of things that should matter more.

Yeah, we Filipinos do death differently. Like today. I was telling a foreign friend how this holiday is seen as a celebration, a time to also have the family get-together in a reunion of sorts, in a cemetery, with their departed loved ones. So it's not a quiet, solemn type of gathering. When Pinoys gather, it's always loud. Fun loud. And I was glad we sort of had that fun loud type of session online, even before undas. I think we all needed that.

It also goes to show that life, indeed, is so short, that we should not dillydally and therefore we should make things happen the way we want them to happen. If we don't have the resources, then we take the next best thing, whatever they may be.

And this realization made me realize another thing: that if old connections falter, then by all means make new ones, or re-polish existing ones you sometimes neglect to make them shine more in your life.

Two good friends somehow admonished me in that manner because I didn't tell them about my grieving, or even my lolo's death, when we saw each other. I guess it also has something to do with coping and how I wanted to cope with grief. Yeah, I kinda wanted to go it alone for a while since this death has such a profound meaning for me. Sometimes, those whom I think would grieve with me won't or didn't, and those whom I surprisingly thought didn't give a damn actually did care, and still do. So again, tipping of balances in terms of premiums here. Only death makes you realize who your real friends are, and who are the ones who are there only for convenience -- mostly for them. And yet again, that painful realization that we should let go of people we care for if, in essence, they really don't care in return. Life is too short to be surrounded by negativity.

Anyway, I've resolved to come out of my shell as well, to just hang out with happy people who are happy to be with me, as I found out, surprisingly. A simple film showing session last Saturday proved that, as two gay friends sincerely showed their support and told me that they missed my company. Two other colleagues expressed the same thought online. And I can't wait to hang out again with this queer(ed) bunch of people. Yes, hopefully ending the night again with rounds of videoke sessions over beer and crispy pata.

I also want to intersect them with some new queer people I have been meeting here and there as well, as part of my shedding that shell involves meeting new people outside of my usual circles (a very Taurean trait to be fiercely loyal to a few, even if their loyalty to me falters). Never mind the rumormongers and the insecure people who are intimidated to be with me. There are seven billion people in the world, as the news now says. If they are that insecure, then they might not be interesting people to begin with, so why bother? So let's hang out with the other six million people of the world. Que sera sera. Yes, the world is an apple, and we should always bite.

The world is a stage. Partake. Please remind me if I forget.
(Oct 2011 at the CCP showing of Stomp)

And, despite the revamp of my socials, maybe it's high time to have alone time again, somewhere where the sun, the sand and the sea intersect. Either that, or somewhere that snows. We'll see.

So it was just a fine time to get the two new decorative additions to my being. One is that picture I posted ahead of this. I guess this is the start of more hopeful beginnings for me. The second semester of school will start in a week, new projects will be realized soon, looking forward to meet new people around Manila, and the year will have to wrap up itself in a positive way.

So be it.

Life's always full when you fill all hollows with memories that matter.

this is all about me

2011-10-30T20:01:00.005+08:00

And I am having a swell time (uh, pun intended hehe) during this uber-long weekend. For a variety of reasons.

Here's one:

and P.S. i thought of this design myself (like with all my tatts):
my name in alibata/baybayin precolonial Philippine alphabet
destroyed by Spanish conquistadores in the 1500s in a
queered rainbow flag backdrop. :)

Evidence enough?

More soon. :)

Can't wait to heal :)

Owwwieee...

this is all about him

2011-10-21T12:31:00.017+08:00

Ever had one of those moments where you couldn't decide if a scene you remember from your childhood is real or not, if that scene really did happen or not? I have. One of those scenes, one I actually like recalling, involves my lolo, or my grandfather, my father's father.

I remember a street in the province (his, in a town called Burgos somewhere in Pangasinan, where most of the Cantors came from, they say) and I remember a big, wooden house (a two-storey one where, if you look outside the higher windows, you can see the street down below) and like a true student of cinema, I remember this shot in a faded sepia tone. Just like the rest of my childhood.

A picture of a picture. That's me and my lolo,
in front of their house, where I grew up, in Quezon City.

I guess memories do fade like old photographs -- the colors fade out
layer by layer, edges are torn, creases are more pronounced.

In Burgos, people spoke in Ilocano, except for me. I remember being small, maybe as young as I was in the photo above. Somewhere between seven and nine, perhaps. Or even ten, who knows. I am 38 years old right now so scenes from decades ago could falter a bit when recalled. Like this one.

We went there riding a bus, maybe a good five or six hours away from Manila. It was just the two of us, but I don't remember the bus trip much. What I do remember, though, is when we got there, there were several kids who were curious of me, this mestiza from Manila, they said in both Ilocano and Tagalog. Since my Ilocano was limited to saying wen! (yes!) and Ania ti nagan mo? (What is your name? Did I even spell that right?), my conversation with these fellow kids, after this brief Ilocano exchange, remained in the level of smiles, head-jerking signals and hand gestures. As kids, we don't rely heavily on the currency of words, as the currency of gestures was enough for them to communicate that they wanted me to come with them, run with them towards a field where a huge and lone fruit-bearing tree was standing. It was duhat, that thumb-sized purple fruit that stains your shirt when its skin touches the cloth. I remember wearing light-colored clothes then, so I steered clear of the ones that fell on the ground, as my new-found temporary friends climbed up to pick more. I remember the brittle texture of the light brown-colored tree bark, and I remember zooming in on the huge red ants we call hantik, curious but at the same time afraid of them, for I think I have never seen ants as big as that, during that time (things in nature looked bigger and better in the provinces, as that usual impression goes here in this country, or maybe only in Manila). I remember the kids laughing, their eyes twinkling with each successful picking, and I remember laughing with them, looking up at them, wishing that I could show them how this Manila kid was also an expert in climbing trees, only I wouldn't because my lolo might call me anytime to leave. Plus that purple stain.

The adults were also curious of me, since it was rare for the province-based Cantors to meet the ones who migrated (and their respective families) long ago. I don't know why there was such a curiosity with my looks since I got this heritage from this side of the family anyway, since my lolo had Spanish blood in his family. But you know how Filipinos are generally receptive of non-brown skinned light-skinned entities. When I was born, people actually thought I was an American baby because of my hair and skin (plus my lola swears I had blue eyes initially, hmm). I remember sitting with them, being fed some kind of snack since it was merienda time, until my lolo said it was time for us to go.

Anyway, that was the scene, however brief, only snatches of shots remain in my mind now, like an old celluloid film already faded or discolored in parts. I'd like to believe that this scene from my childhood really existed, and that it's not a scene from someone else's story I just vividly conjured in my mind. Or worse, a scene from a film or TV show I saw that got etched on my brain as mine. You know these things happen sometime. But I want to be sure that the image is originally mine...for him.

Anyway, why am I writing about him? Lolo's birthday was last July 25. He was born in 1921, a good 90 years ago. Imagine that. And he just died, about nine hours ago. Hence this post.

He now joins my lola in heaven, in Canadian heaven perhaps (if ever there was also a migratory distinction of the afterlife that way -- or I'd like to invent it right now). They already migrated there since being petitioned by my tita back when I was still in second year at the university, I think, around 1992 or 1993 maybe. They've always wanted me to go there as well, to live there with them perhaps, since I am the firstborn Cantor grandchild in our family, and I also spent majority of my childhood growing up in lolo and lola's house (I was the proverbial lola's girl). Stubborn me, I wanted to find my own way into the world, without any sort of connection or help, and I knew that if I went there, I will be dependent on them at first, even though I know I will also make it on my own. But I decided to make it on my own here, in Manila.

Of course, as with living life, one thing led to another and before you know it, it was already 2000, and two days since that new year ushered in, my lola said goodbye. I never even had the chance of saying goodbye. Those days, I was already contemplating on trying my luck there in Ontario, maybe study again, or even just visit and see my lola again. But no such luck. I haven't even visited her grave yet, to this day.

We were taken aback by the sudden death of our lola, but with lolo, somehow, he kinda knew it was coming, and I think he communicated that with my two titas there. That's why my third tita went there to be with him before his last birthday, and good thing she's still there to see this through. I was supposed to go with her but financial and other personal constraints prevented me from doing that, like with my lola. Don't you just wish that money grew on trees, or that some people should move on from the past? Well...

But if these things didn't exist, I was still actually having a dilemma, if I actually wanted to go there and see him that way -- really old, ready to retire from life, a medical condition threatening to snatch him away from us any time. That's not how I remember him, or that's not how I want to remember him. Whichever.

This is how I still remember him:

taken in Intramuros in 2005 when
our Canadian family went here for a vacation

That dapper-looking ol' guy, with the beret (my curiosity with berets and hat-wearing/head gear actually came from him), whom people said was still good-looking even in his older age, that was why women were still drawn to him (and hmm, the Cantors in Pangasinan said that this is a very "Cantor trait" -- women being drawn to them; hmm, maybe I got that from him, too? Chos! But that's just me lightening things up).

My friends told me that still, it's better to see him alive, somehow, no matter the circumstance. I guess it's too late for that now, huh. Well...

I guess it's also good that undas or all soul's/all saints day is just around the corner. A good time to contemplate on things, on life, and death, but also on living. Like a good friend said when she called earlier, it's better to think of his life well lived and stuff, and not to focus on the loss or something like that. (You have to run this by me again girl, as my mind was choppy earlier. But again, thank you for calling. Means a lot.)

I guess that is true. It's not about sustaining a loss, but it's mostly about cherishing memories. Yeah, I guess that' a better way of coping. Now if somebody could only recommend something about the sadness that comes with the package... Well, I'll just deal with that later. All things pass, eventually. This, too.

I don't know how to end this post, so I'll just put an excerpt of a full-length film script I actually wrote a long time ago, based on my childhood. It was based on my life growing up in their house, and the characterization is not much of a stretch from reel to real.

Wherever you are lolo, this film is for you, and lola. I love you both. And thank you.

*

KALYE
(an excerpt)

SEQ. 3. INT. BAHAY NINA CHARI: SALA/KUSINA – UMAGA (cont’d.)

Malawak ang sala na kahilera ng kusina kung saan naroon ang malaking narra na 6-seater dining table. Halatang kakatapos lang mag-almusal ng mga tao sa hitsura ng mesa, na ang iba’y nakaupo pa rin doon. Nakaupo sa isang dulo ng mesa si LOLA, 60 years old, katamtaman ang tangkad pero medyo chubby ng kaunti, katamtaman ang kulay ng kutis, hindi mestisa o kayumanggi. Nakatingin siya sa TV sa sala habang nagkakape. Mapapanood sa TV ang balita tungkol sa mga nagra-rally sa Makati.

CHARI (older VO)
Ito ang Lola ko, ang nagsilbing second mom ko nung
lumalaki ako. First apo niya ako, kaya eto, Lola’s girl
ang kinalabasan. Spoiled pero na-outgrow ko naman iyon.
Matriarchal ang family namin dahil kay Lola – matapang,
Batanggenya kasi. Headstrong din siya at maabilidad
kahit hindi nakatungtong ng college. Mahal na mahal
ko ang Lola kong ‘yan. Siya lang kasi ang naabutan
kong Lola nang nagkamalay na ‘ko.

Tatayo sa upuan niya ang mestisuhing si LOLO, 62 years old, katamtaman ang tangkad at pangangatawan. Saglit siyang hihinto sa harap ng TV sa sala bago tuluyang lumabas ng pintuan.

CHARI (older VO)
Ito ang Lolo ko. Meek, mild-mannered, pero matinik sa
chicks! Noong kabataan daw niya, sa Pangasinan. Pero
ander naman sa Lola ko nang mag-asawa. Minsan naaawa
ako sa kanya, pero di ko alam kung bakit. Basta lang.
Mabait siya sa ‘kin kaya mahal ko siya. Pero parang
di siya mahal ng iba niyang anak minsan. Pero pakiramdam
ko lang ‘yun.

Ang mestisahing si CHARI, 11 years old na payat na batang babae, ay nakaupo sa sahig, titig na titig sa TV, umiinom ng Chocovim. Madadaanan siya ni Lolo palabas ng sala.

CHARI (older VO)
At ‘yan ako, nung 11 years old ako. Payatot, di tulad
ngayon, may cellulite na. Maikli pa rin ang buhok;
‘di yata ako nagpahaba talaga ng buhok. Bata pa ako,
medyo tomboyin na kasi ang dating ko – di ako mahilig
magpalda, laging naka-shorts, at malikot! Parang lalaki,
sabi nila. As if lalaki lang ang puwedeng maging
malikot, ‘no? Excuse me!

SEQ. 4. INT. TERRACE – UMAGA (cont’d.)

Si Lolo ay nakaupo sa kanyang rattan na rocking chair. May sinusulat siya sa ilang maliit na piraso ng papel.

CHARI (older VO)
'Yan ang hobby ni Lolo, ang mag-calculate para sa
jai alai. Sobrang di ko naiintindihan ‘yung
calculations niya, pero sobrang absorbed siya tuwing
gagawin niya iyan. Lawyer kasi by profession si Lolo,
pero parang di ko naman nakitang nag-practice siya nun.
Ang alam ko lang noon, pumapasok siya araw-araw sa
isang opisina sa Escolta.

Patakbong lalabas sa terrace si Chari at lalapit kay Lolo.

CHARI (sweet)
‘Lo, penge pong barya. Bib’li lang ako
ng chiz curls sa tindahan.

LOLO (mabait)
Ang aga-aga neneng, magmimiryenda ka na agad.
(sisigaw) Emma! Emma! Parine ka muna!

Ngingiti si Lolo habang tumatango. Hihinto siya sa pagsusulat at kukuha ng barya sa bulsa ng corduroy shorts niya. Aabutan niya si Chari ng tatlong piso.

CHARI (older VO)
Ewan lang kung may koneksyon ang pagiging lawyer niya
sa mga calculations niya, pero sige lang… Tuwing nananalo
naman siya sa jai alai, binabalatuan niya ako e hehehe.
Pero secret lang namin ito kasi ayaw niyang ipaalam
kay Lola na tumataya siya sa jai alai. Ewan ko rin
kung bakit…

Patakbong lalabas si Emma sa terrace.

EMMA
Apay, apong? [Bakit, Lolo?]

LOLO
O, samahan mo muna si Chari sa may tindahan, ha.

EMMA (kay Chari)
E ano ba’ng bibil-hin mo?

CHARI
Chiz curls!

EMMA
Eee sa may grocery la-ang meyron nun, apong!

LOLO
Ha’mo na. Sige, samahan mo na lang, ha.

Tuwang-tuwang tatakbo si Chari sa may gate. Bakas ang pagkabahala sa mukha ni Emma. Susunod siya kay Chari. Agad niyang hahabulin ang bata at hahawakan sa kamay. Sabay silang maglalakad palabas sa kalye.

(©1996, this revision ©2010)

this is not about her...for long

2011-10-20T18:28:00.012+08:00

It's half past six in the evening here in rainless Marikina as I type this, and I'm just chilling before I go back to life.

But first, a few thoughts.

I had my living quarters cleaned early this morning which lasted about an hour after lunchtime. I asked my cleaning lady to be through this time, for it has been a while since my unit was thoroughly cleaned, as I have been traveling and working outside a lot these past two months. While she was about to finish, I stood at the doorway of my library and surveyed the layout of my living room, and thought of what I have been thinking of doing since last year -- rearrange furniture. I read somewhere that rearranging stuff once in a while in your home is a sort of feng shui thing, if you believe that things and spaces have the capacity to block or enhance the flow of good energy in your life. I do. I also believe that certain feelings and emotions get attached to things, and that these things might trigger an emotional state once you connect with them in one way or another.

I've stubbornly held on to this Boracay lamp I bought in 1998 because to me,
it symbolizes my foray into different aspects of independence during
that period in my life, as I was trying to establish myself a couple of years
after moving out of my parents' house, realizing that I could actually
have control over aspects of my life previously run by other people for me,
straddling between careers as I jumped from a familiar industry towards an unknown one
to try another artistic aspect I have yet to discover then (writing) and to face a challenge
I thought was so way out of my league (going to grad school to get my masters degree) ,
as well as discovering a facet of who I really am -- a woman-loving-woman -- and
trying to painstakingly reconstruct my soul after the first woman I loved shattered it.

I'd like to look at this lamp and secretly smile at myself
for having undergone all those obstacles -- and survived.
(photo taken January 2009)

It has always been easy for me to deal with such emotions and feelings attached to living spaces and things before, because I used to rent apartments and thus, after an emotional crisis in my life -- meaning a relationship break-up, what else -- the act of packing my things up, throwing some stuff away, and moving into a new space becomes a helpful and healthy cleansing ritual. I think I've done that about three or four times, I think, moving in connection with a break-up. But it gets tricky when there's no move left, meaning you bought your own house na, or in my case, condo unit. What happens then, if you decide to live with someone in your fixed space na, and then you break up?

The first one was easy. I didn't regret breaking up with that girl I was with when I first moved in my condo for good. Actually, living in became an issue for us because neither of us couldn't give up each other's home space for our own somewhat fixed reasons (we just ended up spending time, taking turns, in each other's homes). And that worked perfectly fine for me.

When I bought this space, it was really meant for me, and me alone. Now it's a matter of negotiation if I eventually find someone I want to share my life with, living space included. Well, such is the nature of women-loving-women relationships, after all -- this penchant for living in, sharing living quarters, sharing a life. I've been in several of those, and I can't say that they were all happy camper days. I guess being who I am and what I do, I also cherish the importance of a solitary space. (Not to mention that I also am trying to veer away from the clutches of Pinoy dyke homonormativity for now, but that's another blogpost.)

It's funny how I've been repacking and repacking my life in boxes for 10 years.
The second to the last time that I did that, in the middle of hauling out boxes
from the apartment to the van, I suddenly stopped and fucking teared up.
The constant moving has somehow affected me much as it has also healed me.

And the funny thing is, now that I finally own my home,
I miss those emotions connected with moving -- especially the healing part.
Weird, no? (photo taken January 2008)

I already wrote about reclaiming queer spaces before, and that was the immediate project I had upon my last break-up last year. It was really hard to shake off, dust off, sweep out all the energies of that past relationship I had from my condo, simply because most of those energies were actually positive. Funny how the turn of events made those energies tip to the other side of the scale. Yes, remember when I became allergic to sunsets or staying home during sunsets? I've dealt with that already and reclaimed that.

Today, as my cleaning lady was finishing up, I just decided to rearrange the furniture and stuff in my living room. It's no huge feat, actually -- I just rearranged where the couch will be and where the other stuff will be in relation to it. And surprisingly, this rearrangement felt better -- the space felt it expanded more, more sunlight was accommodated inside the unit, the breeze from the window flowed better, and it felt like some strange, heavy feeling suddenly let me go, like somebody's embrace letting go of its grip on me. I guess that was the last of the negative feelings still tucked in between my things here, and moving them around suddenly released them.

As for energies, I never had any (major) heavy feelings left here anyway, since after that break-up last year, some new (and reliable old) souls have temporarily graced and inhabited this living space of mine, somewhat etching their marks on the walls and floors, their laughter reverberating in the ceiling and echoing all over, and their genuine feeling of friendly connection painted my condo alive, once more. Not to mention that I was also lucky to find a kindred spirit that ignited a profound affection for me, bearing the package of love and care. It is her energies that have jumpstarted my being once again, when we were given time and space to physically share each other's essences and thoughts, and those energies somewhat lit up this living space of mine anew, like buying a new lamp and putting it on for the first time to enlighten a dark room. And even if we are not physically together anymore these days, that chance of igniting something was well worth it. Damn worth it. And I thank the universe for sending her to me during the time that I needed it, as she needed me, too, as we both theorized.

New decor I will hold on to. I hope its meaning never changes for me.
I somehow believe it won't. (photo taken April 2011)

And so, the last frontier of reconquering a space was only in cyberspace. Funny that, eh? Even that has to be conquered these days. Yes, I guess, whatever it takes. Since sometimes being a techie tests my patience, I just left my home wifi network name as is, the name which my ex gave. I've been meaning to do this seemingly stupidly simple chore, but I guess my not-so-techiness got the best of me, so I just left it. I just learned how to deal with it, ignored it each time I access the internet, because sometimes the network name reminds me of her. This really sounds so stupid but yes, I am that kind of a person which has lots of sensory triggers all over. But since I had this general cleaning stuff and it also meant disconnecting my cables here at home, I had no choice but to reconfigure this wifi set-up, name and all. And now, I've also reclaimed that space now.

Come to think of it, it's funny how people assign values to things, events, places and stuff in connection to their memories, eh? More so in connection with their feelings. I guess this is perfectly sane. This is why people hold on to things, even if sometimes it's already unnecessary to do so. But if that act of holding on gives us the feeling of being alive, then we shouldn't mess with it, I think -- as long as it's still within a healthy frame, I qualify. We all have our ways of coping and surviving. And now, I have shared with you some of mine.

Yes, this is indeed not about her, for long...because this is all about me now, me and other souls who are still there, who treat me better, who send me love/hugs/words of comfort from near or far. And to those who could use new thoughts about their own situations, I hope I was able to contribute even minutely, as this is for all of you as well.

This is for us.

It's all about balance, after all. I have it now. Somewhat.
(photo taken April 2011)

this is not about...those?

2011-10-17T15:12:00.012+08:00

Hahaha whatever those are!

Just stumbled upon this photo on Facebook and I thought it was appropriate for something I recently learned.

Di ba wagi?

Stumbled upon a friend this week and she told me that there's still this rumor being circulated about me pala, which has been like a lingering/pestering pus of a wound that wouldn't heal. And no, the wound ain't mine, mind you. Apparently, it's someone else's -- the rumormonger's.

In a cast of characters where the stranger is a person I don't know and I haven't met, and the friend is, well, my friend, the rumor apparently goes like this:

Stranger: Hey, do you know Libay from ___?
(it varies how I am introduced)

Friend: Yes, why?

Stranger: Hm, apparently, ___ (rumormonger) said that
Libay stole ___'s (rumormonger's) girlfriend.

Friend: Really?

Cue laughter here.

You know, I actually pity people who spread rumors about themselves. Because frankly, I don't see this as an act of spreading a rumor about me. Because if you dissect this rumor very well, like in a formalist analysis type of shitz as we do in the academe, I don't end up as the "bad guy" here. Pramis! Haba pa ng hair ko, to have someone's girlfriend dump that someone for me!!! O di ba? Haba ng hair ko! Ako na! Hahaha!

Di ba, if we expound, isn't it funny to spread that:

a) You had a girlfriend stolen from you???

b) You had a girlfriend who wasn't interested enough in you that she apparently was willing to get stolen??? By whoever! Not just me. Di ba? Credit some free will naman here to your ex!

c) You're the type of person whose girlfriends are willing to leave you (i.e. get "stolen") for other people???

d) You're the type of person whose idea of coping from a heartbreak is to identify a villain outside of your body and pin your insecurities of being dumped on this villain? A.K.A. me!!! Me=villain. Well thank you for making me Lex Luthor, but you ain't exactly Superman material, honey. You're not even Robin (sidekick) material. I mean haller, no Justice League or League of Extraordinary whetevers would recruit you, because... oh yeah wait, some group will actually recruit you! Because, as people around us (a.k.a. our common friends) described you years ago (when I didn't know you yet), you're a psychic/energy vampire daw! They coined the term, not me ha. (I am actually envious that I didn't come up with that description!) I actually didn't know what that meant when I heard writer friends describe you as such, but it means pala that by merely standing beside you, you suck the energy out of people beside you, because that's how negative you are daw as a person. Imagine that! I heard that even before I met you, and I heard it again when I finally met you and became your friend. During that time, I still treated you as a friend so I just shrugged it off whenever I would hear that from someone, until I proved to myself that you're not merely an energy vampire, but you are a dementor personified. Harry and Hermione would love to wave their wands on you, dear. Tsk.

e) And worse, this girlfriend, the one you said I "stole" from you, left you in 2008!!! Check the calendar. It's 2011 na. And you still talk about this ex getting "stolen" in 2008, during 2011??? Jeeezus H. Christ!!! This is soooo last decade! Chos.

Hm but wait, let me see. During the time that you said I "stole" your girlfriend, I actually had a girlfriend back then in 2008. In fact, when 2008 entered, I was with this girl and then we broke it off during the latter half of the year (and as your ex told us, meaning me and her friends, you guys split during the first half of 2008, during the time I was with this girl whom I became girlfriends with since 2007). But in less than a month, I had another girlfriend who stayed with me for the rest of 2008 and past that year as well, until the latter part of 2010. But again, after a month, I met this wonderful girl naman and we had a really, really great and super-loving bond which spilled over to the new year of the new decade of 2011. Meaning I don't really have a problem in this department of finding girls or girls finding me. Meaning I don't have to steal someone's girl in order to have a girl. It's as clear as day, hey. Heheh.

Soooobrang haba ng hair ko, pare. Hahahaha!

So hmmmmmmm, ano na, teh??? I don't know about you anymore, since I stopped being your friend the moment you fabricated this lie about me, about this stealing thing. But geez, kawawa ka naman. I pity you. You still have this issue to this very day??? What have you been doing all these years? Jeezus.

Like that sign said, haters, fools, and idiots. Apparently, this rumormonger is all three -- rolled into one. Yeah, those people. Haters, fools and idiots. Tsk. Such a pity. Learn from this, folks, and try to abide by karma's rules. The truth of the matter is, the kind of energy you emit (negative/positive) will be the kind of energy you will attract. So take heed, because the universe always listens -- and keeps tabs.

illustration by robert alejandro, swiped from a friend's account on FB

There are soooooooo many things to do in this world, soooo many wonderful things to accomplish, sooooo many sights to see, sooooo many wonderful tasks to ignite. It's a shame that they focus on negativity alone. No wonder the universe ain't so kind to these people. Well, we all choose our paths. I'm just glad they're out of mine.

So again, to reiterate:

Talaga! AKO NA! Heheh.

Rock on, folks! :)

this is not about them

2011-10-13T09:17:00.005+08:00

Them again? Yeah, them again. Deym agen. Damn again.

Sabi nga sa isang film thesis ng student ko, BAD MAMAW! BAD MAMAW! BAD MAMAW!

This is one heck of a week so far for me, in terms of personal communications, professional engagement tinkerings, and catastrophic revelations. Universe, the weekly quota is enough, okay? Just sayin'. So take it easy for the rest of the week and let the next one run, er, smoother?

It's again a hodgepodge of emotions but I'm glad that what comes out on top are the positive ones, notably from people I love who love me back, and from people whom I am supportive of because I can see that they are worth supporting.

Now what irks me are those who show support yet in reality, they are merely wolves in sheep's clothing. It has been revealed, yet again, to me, that this epic saga between good and evil, the one where I was cast unknowingly to be Princess Leia to a Darth Vader, is still running in production! And I thought this film was already canned and shelved? Strange to be pulled back in the limelight of a stage you thought was already dismantled. Hm. And interesting enough, the cast is growing, from Shylock to Hamlet to the village idiot, among other character archetypes joining in. Shakespearean tragedy na ito! To the epic levels!

Well, but more of the Hamlet types are in another aspect of my universe. I am so being killed by all this professional indecisiveness that I feel like flying out of one coop because of this. I'm just staying because of the money because they're good that way. But hey, I don't know. If the future money trees my friends and I planted will start growing soon, then that will really be such a killer forest. No need to linger on the valley of uncertainty.

swiped from van gogh is bipolar's post on fb

Ang cryptic ko, no? Hehe. Chos. This is what is called non-libelous writing. Mwa.ha.ha.ha. CHOS!

Wala, gusto ko lang maglabas. Lately, I find that there are just literally a handful of people I could really talk to who will give me honest to goodness answers and guides. And I'm glad one of these people are more actively engaged with me now, even if it's "merely" from a distance. Technology rocks in this manner. So yes, I am happy and glad about that one. As in really! :) And then, yes, this -- writing it out, whether in blogs or my personal journals. Or both.

Hmmm... so what do we do with the assholes? Well, I guess just leave them in the gutter of their lives because frankly speaking, I don't want to be dragged down by such small-minded thinking. I have better things to do with my life, even if they don't have anything better to do in theirs but malign you and spy on you. I guess that is how interesting my life is, that I become the subject of other people's scrutiny. Mga walang magawa, as we say in Filipino -- those who don't have anything to do. Well, maybe they're just envious, and I really don't get why. If there is one of the seven deadly sins that I don't really get, it's envy. I mean, I don't suffer from it so I don't get why some make me the subject of their suffering of it. You know? Hm. Labo.

Maybe because I do this:

swiped from a friend's account on fb as swiped from the site identified in the pic

Heh.heh. Dedma lang. And then, as with all the actions in my life, I just follow my life mantra taken from one of my favorite books, Louisa May Alcott's Little Women -- HOPE AND KEEP BUSY. Yun lang. :)

and the winner is...me! i...thank you! in a major major way. chos.
(somewhere in Davao / Sept2011 photo by superfriend M)

this is not about me

2011-10-10T20:15:00.005+08:00

When it's rough, things come out....raw.

Fortify

when everything's made
to be broken
i just want you to know
who i am
- "iris," the googoo dolls

How do you build
a strong wall
that does not crumble
impenetrable
as of a fort
shielded from elements
that corrode?

You can't.

How do you live
in a deserted island
uncharted by friendships
unmapped by experience
whether intended or not?

You can't. You just can't.

So now,
how do you fortify
yourself
from the longing
and the absence?
How do you fortify
yourself
from the tangible distance
and the mental presence?

You don't. You just don't.

In the end,
the end of it all,
perhaps you're just
that comet
that never came
to pass.

- 10Oct2011Mon

lex parsimoniae, lex leaflens

2011-10-02T23:11:00.007+08:00

I love Carl Sagan's novel CONTACT -- one of my favorite books of all time -- and when it became a film, I loved it even more because it starred my favorite love of all cinematic time, Jodie Foster. In both artworks, they mention Occam's Razor, which was some sort of theoretical rule of the universe which was said this way:

All things being equal,
the simplest explanation
tends to be the right one.

But a quick wikipedia visit debunked this, as the real words attributed to the theoretical dude who thought this up was this:

Entities must not be
multiplied beyond necessity.

Although I think it's the thinker/philosopher Bertrand Russell who interpreted it in his own way, who said it the best, as he said:

Whenever possible,
substitute constructions
out of known entities
for inferences
to unknown entities.

Wagi, di ba? Winner, yes? Wagi=winner. Yes, winner, wagi. Unknown entity -- that's what I want to be right now. TO BE ANONYMOUS. AN UNKNOWN ENTITY.

But to put it simply, this theorizing is merely some way of elucidating on the concept of the "economy of explanation" which is what lex parsimoniae means -- the law of parsimony.

In short, explain it to me simply, and gets ko na what the universe wants to explain to me without throwing me into a nebula of information. I'll tell you who I am and then you tell me that you have a bigger construct of who I am, without even you knowing me. Hah. Kaloka.

Okay lost ka na ba? All of this rationalizing/theorizing/hypothesizing was done because of an earlier fun yet thought-provoking conversation I had with a lezzie friend earlier over sms texting. Well, it started as fun but eventually, it gave me the intellectual shivers.

Picture this: Sunday morning, rainy Manila, me typing in my computer beside my picture window writing nook, mug of brewed coffee by my side. A text message beeps. I answer my cellphone. A text from a lez friend whom I haven't heard from in ages. Networking commences.

This friend initially wanted me to set up this friend of hers with someone. And of course, being in this lezzieverse we call the Philippines, referrals are the way to go to find dates, hook-ups and the like. So I said sure, what the hey, I'll ask around. We talked about that and a few other things, until she segued into asking how my own "story" was going, which she termed as "love on demand" or LoD as she brilliantly wrote about before (and P.S. I fucking love that article!). Took me a while to explain it, as I also had to ponder on the situation, really. For lack of a better way of articulating it, I just said that my LoD kind of went on a physical hiatus but an emotional bond is still there within the distance. And then, talk about finding me a date ensued and she volunteered to find me one, as all good lezzie friends do whenever they find out that you're technically single. Well, yeah, technically, I guess. Technically.

I stopped and pondered. Date? What, me? Again? Now? Hmmmm. Even if I'm not really into looking or dating these days -- since I'm really freaking busy with a lot of things in my professional life and well, there's really a deeper reason behind this, which relates to that LoD thingie up there, but I digress -- I got curious and told my friend to go ahead and find me one, so I said sure, what the hey, no harm in trying, har-har, go, whatevs. It's not like she's going to text people immediately and ask around, right?

Wrong. It turned out to be a lazy Sunday and she texted people in her network. And people in her network replied, asap. And guess what -- I didn't know that I had some sort of reputation going on here. And the funny thing is, I don't even know these people she was texting! But the funny thing is, they knew me. Or perhaps they think they know me, to be more exact, in the sparse explanation of things in this lezzieverse.

Anyway, it's all a matter of perception, as I found out why not many women have been approaching me or whatever, in that aspect, you know. All because it was explained to me in the simplest way possible today. As our conversation went like this:

SMS: Hirap mo palang hanapan ng date, teh! Nasu-spook mga tinatanong ko 'pag sinasabi ko profile mo.

I asked why women were spooked when they hear about me. What a strange curiosity. What on earth could be in my profile that could spook away people? I was like, huh, wtf???

And that was when the economy of explanation kicked in, as my friend replied:

SMS: 'Pag tinatanong ang name at sinabi ko, either they've heard of you or read you somewhere. Tsk tsk. Iba pala level mo ha. Teka ha, baka may single pa sa demigods, hanap pa ko hahaha!

So there. So thus, now I ask, who died and made me a demigod, a demigod which women don't want to hang out with, much more canoodle with? Geez. What a revelation this day is. It's giving me such an existential angst about my existence. As in, for real!!!

Goes to show why this city, this island, this country, this continent, might not be the good one for me to be queer. Again, yes, it is being reinforced, during a time when I'm not even contemplating about such things!!! What the frak, man. What the frak. Like a ball just came out of left field and hit me on the noggin, without rhyme or reason. Insert other "I'm clueless" cliches here.

Just because I've done a few things and have had my name all over the media at different points in time, I've become some sort of...I don't know. I don't even know what to call me. Or what to call this...this...this. This situation, this dilemma, this problem. What is this??? Qu'est-ce que c'est???

Is it a problem? Maybe. Because come to think of it, the last three women that made a significant dent in my orbit didn't know zilch about me before we started dating -- like what I basically did (all they knew was I'm in some sort of media work, and I also teach in a uni) and where and from when my queer advocacy stretched onto (if ever they actually had a working knowledge of Manila queer advocacy stuff going on, which they didn't). So thus, yeah, if people know me, who I am, what I have been doing as ____ (fill in the blanks, because I've been doing lots in my life for the past two decades!), then they shy away from me, just because I've been doing such things. Uh, since when did my other life activities impede on my (perceived or potential) love life? Frak. I never knew. Okay Alanis, cue your song here na: And who would have thought...it figures...

I'm stoned, dude. (Marikina April2011)

Geez, this is really giving me such an existential dilemma. The thought of existing and how people perceive you. You don't even project an image yet they have an image of you. Objects in the rearview mirror appear closer than they are. In my case, the car where the rearview mirror is attached has already sped away, just because they saw a speck of me in the reflection. A simple, simplified fucking speck. What. The. Frak.

Hmmm... I don't know what to make of it. I guess I should be flattered that people know me in some sort of, uh, way... But hell, does that mean that I am destined to not meet new people? Or to put it romcom-ically, am I destined to be alone? What a fucking comic book superhero existential dilemma. With great power comes great responsibility. Hello, me no Spiderman. Those destined to save the world are doomed to be alone. Hello, me no Superman or at least Clark Kent in Smallville. Geez.

(somewhere in Teacher's Vill, Aug2011)

I don't know, man. I don't really know. Want to hear your two cents worth about this, folks. Hell, make it two fucking pesos! Okay inflation rates: make it two dollars of whatever denomination -- dollars, euros, whatevs!!! Kebs!!! Just make contact; if not, it's an awful waste of space. (Yes, that, too, is from Contact, one of my favorite quotes there; I am such a fucking geek, man. So sue me.).

Haaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyy... weird.

Can I just reduce it to one sentence? Out of frustration? The Philippine lezzieverse sucks right now. There.

Merde. I need a drink.

Or maybe a trip up north?
North of the country?
Or global north?
(Baguio, April2011 photo by superfriend L)

Sing with me, Seal.

In a world full of people
only some want to fly
Isn't that crazy...

Yes, indeed. It is.

and just like that...

2011-10-01T13:20:00.005+08:00

...September is gone, with one snap.

*snap!*

Time flies when you're having fun, busy with things, and trying to evade this thing called longing. Or something.

But still, amidst the whirlwind of work stuff/stress inducers/idiot quotas/facepalm moments/comfort food indulgences/mega-laugh trips/escapism via smoke-drink vices, we overdose from positivity -- especially sweetness, whether from artificial means or from persons who mean a lot to you.

fumo-froyo in Eastwood
[Sept2011 photo snapped by the
Golden Spoon dude who gave free samples hehe]

La vita e bella, indeed. Also having la dolce vita as well. Indulge.

P.S. Okay fine, so maybe it's just one person for me, for now. Hey, I miss you.

So there.

*

I've been feeling better lately. Since it's the first day of a new month, I am currently parking my butt here at home, since it's also raining again here in Metro Manila. Signal number one as we speak. So I hole in.

September has come and gone but it left me a lot of realizations about lots of things -- about life, about family, about career choices and which professional things/paths/routes to choose (from), and of course about love. I have yet to sit down and write all these realizations down, but sometimes, I also don't want to do that, simply because when I write things down, it's like they have some sort of finality kind of tone to them, as if writing thoughts and experiences down make them more real, more tangible, or something like that. Am I crazy in thinking that way? Hmm no, maybe not. And this is why sometimes writers don't write.

But no, we still *do* write. In bits and pieces, snippets here and there. I still can't wait to hibernate and pour all of these thoughts down, uninterrupted. I think this month will give me that chance... unless I start running around again, to catch up on other things, like money. Hm, if only money grew on trees, eh? Then we wouldn't have any problem with anything, or most things maybe.

Oh well, I'm just babbling. Anyway...

Still, the bottomline has always been the major "battle cry" of the year for me: LIFE IS SHORT! And with that one death last month, I was able to helm one article to somehow "objectify" some subjective thoughts in my head. Here, read my tribute article to queer blogger AJ at POC:

Um-offline na si Bakla: AJ and online LGBTQ activism
But like those of us who stumbled upon blogging in the early 2000s, AJ’s space served as an online journal full of personal posts that cover selected goings-on in his life. Of course as an LGBTQ, what attracts fellow LGBTQs to such personal spaces full of often-revealing stories is reading about how the queer heart works, the concerns about living as a queer, and the deep-slash-shallow-slash-witty musings of queers. Most of all, we queers are interested to see how our fellow queers deal with matters of the heart enveloped by SOGI issues.

Read the full article here.

When I find more time to write this month, I will be populating my blogs with more thoughts. I really need to spill them out na, like now na!

Plus I'm also excited to share this latest project I'm wrapping up this weekend to you guys. It's also giving me a new set of goals and possible directions to pursue, actually. So I am glad that this project happened, despite some setbacks. But hey, all projects have setbacks naman, e. So... take everything in lang. Di ba?

Yeh.

Again, life's too short to dilly-dally. So go out there and LIVE!

going offline

2011-09-10T09:42:00.005+08:00

In the middle of a busy busy week but a news item suddenly made me stop and stare at the clouds again...and ponder.

An online friend and contact, AJ Matela, just passed away. All so sudden a news. And I thought he was on his way to recovery, as he documented his ordeal about his sickness and stuff. Too bad he didn't make it.

He ran the blog Bakla Ako, May Reklamo? or in English, I'm Gay, Got a Problem with That? The local lgbtq blogosphere just lost one important voice.

This bit of news makes me think that life truly is short. So no more dilly-dallying. Just do what you can and exert every effort. Nothing is wasted along the way anyway, since whatever lessons you pick up on your journey would always be great fuel to the fire that will next propel your journey towards a different or farther direction.

In short, let's keep moving, folks. Like what they sang in Rent, there's no day but today.

Life is short. Go live it.

I will. I am.

No journey ends. Like what Semisonic sang,
every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end.
(somewhere in GenSan/ August 2011 photo by Ned)

a day off, a progress report

2011-09-01T18:50:00.018+08:00

Since it has been raining here in Manila ever since I returned from my Mindanao trips yesterday, I decided to hole in my condo today and just rest. I think the tiredness of the trip just hit me today, even though the whole trip wasn't exactly all work and no fun. But such is what happens when one travels, I guess. Sometimes you just need to park yourself where you're at home for the moment, before embarking on the next journey.

but i really love riding planes
(about to land on gensan / aug2011)

I also wanted to park myself at home today because I was hoping to catch a good friend online earlier today, which didn't happen since my landline and internet got cut off, as I discovered, upon my return. But thanks to better services, this much-needed lifeline utility of ours in this day and age is back and raring to connect me to the wired world once again.

And so, here we are. Raincheck on the chat, my friend, but always keep in mind that your welfare is always on my mind.

Hay... sometimes don't you just wish that you didn't need a visa or a contraption to travel to a place in an instant? Like if I wanted to visit my grandfather in Canada in an instant, I'd just snap my fingers and I'll be in Mississauga in a jif. Or snap my fingers and I'll be in another part of the world where my kindred spirits live, who miss me as much as I miss them, and talk to them and give them insights during these certain times of their lives when they need them. How I also wish they could also travel that fast, in a snap, and they could be beside me whenever I need a hug from trusted friends who keep me sane and who keep me balanced.

Hay, I miss you friends and kindred spirits on the other side of the world. We guys should chat more!

Anyway, as a token for some of them, I wrote this article on POC Pinoy LGBT channel about teaching Filipino gay lingo to foreigners. I hope you guys like it :) Another article related to that is also out na, about how we queer the Filipino language and make it into gayspeak. Read that here.

*

The past week was tiring but it was also fun and exciting. A project I've been working on jumpstarted already so that means traveling to five different locations for a documentary shoot. Three of the five are out-of-Manila locations so that's why I was in Manny Pacquiao-land last Satuday, also known as General Santos City or GenSan, the place that tuna made famous. We then rode a van to Davao City after three days and that's where we came from flying back to Manila yesterday. This weekend, we fly to Cebu for the last leg of this project shoot but thank goodness for my Smartbro internet stick (or the hotel wifi), I could still take a peek at what's happening with my kindred spirits and loved ones online, before dozing off after a day's work (and the subsequent nightcap).

smile for children's rights
(somewhere in Davao / aug2011 photo by superfriend Marnie)

I am really having a good time with this project. It made me realize that I should really work with people I truly trust more, people I've known for a long time, who could deliver professionally as well as personally. I made the mistake of getting people with problematic work ethics last summer for a project, which ended up in me drinking Peptobismol for the first time in my life. So I won't make that mistake again now. Life is short to gamble on crucial life deadlines, you know. I could be friends with these people but I don't want to work with them. That's my point. Well, unless they change their work style but hey, life's too short to wait for that, either.

Yes, I am happy certain things are falling into place in some aspects of my life. Now if only the same thing would happen in my other aspects, then life would be so grand.

*

One aspect that made me stop and stare at the clouds earlier today--upon realizing that the rains will obliterate any chance of seeing a sunset--is the aspect that reminded me of what happened a year ago this month, upon seeing the change in months. My, time flies really fast. Remember remember that date in September... but the good thing is, I really don't remember much anymore. Really. I don't remember. It's a good feeling but it's a scary one as well. And it has been a year now. Only a year yet I have forgotten majority of what transpired within the past two years of a life I once knew. Wow. Now that is what I call a good progress report. I don't remember.

If you've been following this space -- and if you know me offline -- you'd know what I'm talking about. September last year was the time I became allergic to sunsets. But surprise of all surprises, as I was lamenting the destruction of a relationship, I never realized that that September, someone arrived in my sphere who will eventually enter my soul and penetrate my heart once again, introducing sunshine and starshine into my life once again. The universe works in funny ways like that sometimes.

I believe people arrive in your life for a reason, and once that reason has been transformed into something useful, then they depart. There's no such thing as wrong timing, only wrong placement, I guess. Sometimes we think we loved the wrong person or we wasted our time with them when we could have been doing other things in life. Maybe meeting them, falling for them, and having them crush our hearts and souls were just the thing we needed at that time, and the feelings we gather from that experience would be the seeds for something better and more worthwhile lined up in our future. Now the wrong placement is when we still try and try and try to make things work even if we know that it should have ended a long time ago. But the universe still keeps tabs on us, and thus it conspires with all elements to give us a swift kick in the butt that will eventually make us wake up, get up, and move on -- even if we resist it.

And that's what happened to me. I can't remember much the past two years of a life with an ex but how I vividly remember the past seven months with a girl who eventually became a kindred spirit, one of my superfriends in the whole wide world, who knew me and saw me in ways I never knew and saw myself before. And for that, I am forever grateful to her, for showing me that even if I missed the sunrise and became disappointed in sunsets, there will always be starshine, with thanks to my ever-favorite moon, to still show me the way.

Now, even if this latest kindred spirit of mine was just here in my sphere for several months, the dent she left in my being was such a ginormous one that I have been missing her ever so terribly since she left a few months ago. I guess sometimes people really affect you that way, and it's also to prepare you for other kinds of people who will affect you in a different way.

Since the start of this year, I have also been witnessing a friendship that eventually waned and eventually ended, for me. Literally, it's like losing a best friend, a friend you have known for ages, who have seen you cry and celebrate, who was with you when you were broken and were healed. Never did I realize that this friendship will eventually demise but again, life's too short to lament on things that stress you out. Plus it's a sad thing that this fallout has happened before in our sphere, so I guess the universe is telling me something about that -- to finally abandon this sphere, and move on to rotating with others in my other spheres -- which is what I'm doing.

like lola alanis sang, you live, you learn/ you lose, you learn.
hear hear teh (aug2011 / somewhere in ateneo de manila u)

I guess missing someone you love so terribly and missing the company of kindred spirits so much mask the pain that this fallout has been causing me for a couple of weeks now. Plus I derive energy from the excitement of the projects I'm doing and from the positivity of the people involved in the projects.

It's really a hodgepodge of emotions for me, this past month, and also this new one. And after talking with a few good friends, I don't really know what's going to happen in the next coming months, up until the year ends. Wow, another year, another queer, readying her gear... hm. Well, let's see. Whatever happens, happens.

And as always, we don't really regret. We ponder.

sentimentality slippage #007

2011-08-10T17:36:00.008+08:00

Yes, I admit, I miss (eating) ice cream.

Cold Stoning with my sister somewhere in San Francisco
(California, USA / March 2010)

Ah, so many flavors, so little time! Chos.

And the winner is... me!

And I was able to rationalize why. I think. Read about it here in my travel+foodie blog Lamyerda.

sentimentality slippage #006

2011-08-09T01:56:00.003+08:00

I miss sleeping.

uhh yeah, that's me underneath, in between waking and sleeping
(somewhere in Sagada / May 2011 photo by superfriend L)

Hmmmm so why am I here?

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

sentimentality slippage #005

2011-08-07T11:30:00.005+08:00

I know my superfriend M said to be grateful that I'm in the situation I'm in now, but still, I miss chilling out.

like hanging out at coffee shops to chill, read a book, people-watch,
write or journal and stuff (August 2010 at Cravings, Shangri-la mall)

Like taking it easy, no stress from too much work coming from different directions, relaxing and stuff like that.

But right now, aside from teaching and my weekly writing gig for POC (latest article out already, on queer marriage proposals including *mine*), there are two mainstream TV stuff going on plus an independent project going on, aside from being super-pumped to start two personal projects.

Yes, I'm super-busy, but life is grand that way sometimes. Still, it's nice to stop and smell the aroma of coffee sometimes. And to just chill.

So yes, I miss that.

sentimentality slippage #004

2011-08-04T22:10:00.007+08:00

For some strange reason, I miss eating chocolates lately.

See? It's your fault. Chos.

I'm doomed.

See, I already stopped having sweet cravings like this. For years. But lately, as I go back to the rush of media writing work, I seem to be looking for such sweets as I write. I guess more than coffee, this works for me now. Hm. So I guess the usual stock of Hershey's plain chocolate bars will once again be visible in my fridge, just like before. Hm.

I'm doomed. Or my thighs are. And belly. Frak.

But why is this sentimental? I guess I also miss the times when I hung out with my mom and younger sis at home as we split one whole bar of chocolate during the '80s. See, during those days, you can't just buy any US-made chocolate bar anywhere. We get our supply at vending machines inside the US base in Clarkfield, Pampanga where my father worked for a couple of years. When I was ten, I learned what a nickel, dime and quarter means, and I loved using them in vending machines that spit out such chocolate bars. Yeah, I miss those moments.

Ah, Three Musketeers. I miss those as well. I am so doomed. Grocery this weekend. Hm.

sentimentality slippage #003

2011-08-03T23:18:00.005+08:00

Since it's still raining like crazy here in Metro Manila, I still miss sunshine!

and goofing around with it, especially near sunset,
with my camera and made-up amber filtering system
also known as my sunglasses

And people who contribute sunshine into my life.

like the soul who took this photo
(San Juan, La Union / April 2011 photo by superfriend L)

So there.

sentimentality slippage #002

2011-08-02T11:40:00.004+08:00

I miss basking under the sun. In the proper context, at least.

Comme ca.

beach-bronzed at Banana Island somewhere in
Coron, Palawan (May 2011)

Just because it's raining here in Metro Manila and typhoon after typhoon torments us the past days, and the coming days pa.

sentimentality slippage #001

2011-08-01T22:48:00.006+08:00

I miss the girl who reads.

From the girl who writes.

slow down, you move too fast...*

2011-07-24T12:08:00.010+08:00

You've got to make the morning last, as that Simon and Garfunkel song said. Feeling groovy talaga. (*or 59th st. Bridge Song talaga ang title ng song na itey, trivia lang).

Decided to stay put today and breathe. So many stimulants all around and sometimes, that's what makes Manila more exciting, as two of my island-originated (okay Dumaguete) friends told me last week. But like I told them, that's what also makes me want to escape Manila from time to time, even though I know I thrive in this kind of cosmopolitan/urban set-ups, especially when it involves media and arts stuff, my main domains of existence.

Manila by night. Or Manila Bay lang.
(at the Harbor Square CCP / July 2011)

So many things happening in my universe. It's July so that means it's Cinemalaya month here, the yearly independent digital film festival organized by the cultural institutions of the government, namely FDCP and CCP, its main venue, way over there in far Manila along Manila Bay (hence we nickname it cinemalayo -- cine too damn far! At least for us QC peeps, and me Marikina pa!) Some friends -- my film barkada -- have films included in the festival as special screening entries, not necessarily in the main competition, and we made sure to catch them. One is Local Girls by Ned Trespeces and Onnah Valera, the same team that gave us My Fake American Accent, their Cinemalaya entry a few years back. Another that we made sure not to miss is the very camp/kitsch 2-years in the making gay zombie comedy film Zombadings: Patayin Sa Shokot Si Remington written and produced by Raymond Lee.

At the baywalk area, with (L-R) erstwhile dynamic duo Ned and Onnah
and our former student now our reliable co-worker Nessa,
the editor of their film. (photo by xe /
July 2011 Harbor Square CCP)

And then of course, there's the academic mode of the festival handled yearly by our senior film faculty, my idol Sir Nic Tiongson, meaning the Cinemalaya Film Congress, the 2-day forum-filled conference featuring discussions on aspects of cinema etc. I've been constantly involved in this since it's flattering that I earned Sir Nic's trust in handling work stuff here, so he always gets me as a rapporteur to document panel proceedings but since last year, I've elevated into being an actual moderator of several panels, which is cooler because I don't get to take home work assignment teehee.

Taking a late lunch break and early drinking sesh with the bekis
(as I ogled an actress at the next table aheh.heh.heh).
(L-R) Our co-faculty and co-queer friend Joni
with his partner Bryan, and a ham Xe.
They served as rapporteurs this year.

These gigs are good when you have good people to work with, actually. It's also a bonus if they're your friends and if they treat you as friends. So that's good.

Other involvements continue, like my favorite LGBTQ writing for POC. My latest article is here ("The young and the restless who grew up queer") and that's a 2-part article. I might also start a cross-posting thingie somewhere but I have yet to think about that venture.

I'm also enjoying Twitter lately, to my surprise. I found that it could be a very good repository of useful links I could use later on for reference and stuff. Sometimes I also try to talk to individuals there, like a "think out loud" type of status posting, without irritating people like on Facebook. I don't know, it's just a social experiment. What are these platforms for but to test our capacity for language, discourse and conversations with them, di ba? Anyway, if you want to follow me, find @leaflens there. No one else with that name but me.

Academic life is picking up now that we're into the second month of the semester, nearing midterms time. But I'm liking the way I scheduled my life there at the uni now, since I could also have more time to do other things, mainly write. Haven't really been doing a sit-yo'-fuckin'-ass-and-just-write-dammit! type of writing lately but I am getting there. I guess I just need to "quiet a few crying lambs" (to borrow that line from Jodie Foster my love's film) somewhere in my metaphysical state chenelyn and all that jazz, first and foremost. It's blocking a few things but I'm unclogging, I'm unclogging.

H: Are the lambs still crying, Clarisse?
Me: hay naku Hannibal, anu fi?
Lecter-an mo nga mga imbey na 'yan
nang mashokot! Chos.
(at the UP Open University celeb chenes,
UP Los Banos / 2009 photo by Kwami)

In between all of these things are picked up interactions, revived ones actually, with old friends and colleagues, most of whom are either queer or queered, so that's cool, too. Sometimes, it's also a welcome change to come out of social hibernation and find such gatherings again (especially now that we're finding common frenemies heheh but I digess). So that's really cool.

Of course I still wish that a few people who left the vicinity of my orbit could or would come crashing back to my existence (or I crash theirs), but we all know that that's quite hard to attain lately, so we make do with what we could in terms of keeping in touch. But I'm still longing for that day when we could exchange physical hugs again, have meaningful conversations face to face. Well, who knows, sooner than later. In life, as always, new chapters have yet to be written, and new sequels have yet to be filmed. So I believe that reunion tours are still possible for making beautiful music together. Don't you think?

With this life, as I've seen, anything is really possible and thus you should be ready to find surprises and stuff like that. And it's really a reinforcement that life is short, so we better live it. Even if it means going out of your comfort zones. That's actually my project lately (oi Taurus, good luck to me!!!). And I've also been seeing it all around me: people do move on (from jobs), people actually cope with moving (even if they miss their old environs), people would bend over backwards to get what they want (well, sometimes in a bad way, but what the hey), and people actually strive to make better contributions in their spheres of existence even if others outside of the circles don't understand it. Lately, I've been in this "What for?" mode, you know, like you find yourself asking why are people doing such things for, what are they trying to achieve, what is the point of their efforts, and all those things. I don't know, existential angst biting lately, like hard, especially when I ride U.P. jeeps and see enthusiastic students rushing to class, then at the back of my mind I wonder if the government could keep them when they graduate since there might not be jobs available for them in the future, and all that socioeconomic intersectioning shit (I've been falling into this "trap of thinking" also, lately). Di ba? WHAT FOR?

But when I analyze it further, maybe it just boils down to finding the middle ground between passion and contentment. In between that range, I guess there's happiness, fulfillment, excitement, drive, all things nice. I think my problem lately is that I am only operating on a half-and-half mode, like half-passion and half-contentment, so I don't arrive at something more concrete in the middle. Hah, look at me share with you guys this very private realization, but I realized that some of you out there might also be feeling the same way (especially if you're way way waaaay beyond burnout mode already, comme moi), so maybe you could pick up a few thoughts here and there from this space, much like how I have been trying to pick up a few thoughts somewhere else to digest for my own sanity. And it's good that I've been getting that back -- sanity I mean, a more "sober" way of looking at things, of processing stimulants. Also hard to find kindred souls to process things with, but I'm glad my ever-reliable set of kindred spirits are still there, whether near or far. I love you guys. Really.

I think what I need right now in my life is another big bang.
Like really. As in, huge. As in, now nah!
(at the American Museum of Natural History, New York /
March 2010 photo by x)

So what's next? I don't know. I don't really know. While that might sound so scary, that could also sound exciting, or even thought-provoking. Let's see where these paths would take me this year, up to the next. We also make things happen, and let's see if we could find more wormholes to traverse into, in order to discover more universes out there that might have a better time-space continuum.

Allez.

wanna get hitched?

2011-07-06T21:54:00.007+08:00

Then go to New York and avoid Baguio. Oh well.

If you don't know what I'm talking about, read my latest POC Pinoy LGBT channel article entitled Marriage (inequality): start spreading the news. Crazy intersection of same-sex marriage news, all in one June pride weekend.

Man I miss New York...

lost kuning-kuning in Times Square (March 2010 photo by x)

And Baguio...

inside Camp John Hay (April 2011 photo by superfriend L)

Haha I didn't realize I had one picture that places me on both spots at the same time pala!

Wearing my I heart NY shirt inside Cafe By The Ruins. Thanks for the photo, love. :)

Ayus!

has it been a month now?

2011-07-04T00:35:00.004+08:00

In my sphere of this planet, yes.

But it still aches like hell. Like it was just yesterday...

Hopeless.

blue note recorded

play me some more
of that jazz of yours
because i will miss your tune
will miss your spunk
your laughter, your smile
you.

show me some more
of that radiance of yours
because i will miss your face
will miss your company
your kiss, your hug
you.

let me feel some more
of that spirit of yours
because you and i will miss us
will miss our togetherness
our time, our space
our love.

don't shed a tear, honey
note your sadness away
tunes will play for us again
sooner than you think,
promise.

don't feel so down, dear
chase your blues away
distance will always be overcome
as long as we play beautiful music,
together.

it shall be done.

- for gemini
06june2011mon3.47p

so June is finally over...

2011-07-02T13:41:00.013+08:00

Some things are better left in the past.

at the cemetery of negativism inside
Camp John Hay in Baguio (June 2009)

Like anger. And negativity.

during the LGBT Pride March inside
UP Diliman campus in QC (June 2011)

But many things still continue.

at White Beach in Puerto Galera (February 2011)

Like loving. And longing.

in Sagada, Mountain Province (May 2011)

We make do with what we have right now.

at the LGBT Pride March in UP Diliman campus QC
(June 2011 photo courtesy of my former student G)

And try not to search so much for so many things, at the same time.

at the Botanical Gardens in Baguio City (May 2011)

But we still plan, and pursue. But calmly.

at the Liberty State Park in New Jersey, USA (March 2010)

Still, the old adage works: one day at a time.

at the Kiltepan Viewpoint in Sagada (May 2011 photo by superfriend L)

And life will be grand. Still.

at Banana Beach in Coron, Palawan (May 2011)